So near yet so far

Contrary to what others think of when I tell them where I work at, it’s actually quite a centralised location. I was surprised when I found out that I have buses to NUS, to church. And today I found out I’m within a 30 minutes bus ride from parks like MacRitchie, Bishan-Ang Mo Kio Park. 

Also closer than ever to a particular place. Was googling for my runs (yes I’m quite motivated these days) around places near the office and I realised that I’m supposed to drop off right at that place. I don’t know whether to laugh or cry at these coincidences that have been happening. But for now, it’s a 心寒 kind of feeling, a kind of “Sigh, ohwell.”

Why God, why? What are You doing?

So near yet so far

Friends have been telling me to try the teaching industry but I’ve been somewhat hesitant about that. One of the barriers in going into the teaching industry is the early hours – which actually means I shouldn’t be in the industry if something so small can be a deterrence.

Recently, though, a teaching friend said I probably wake up around the same time as her, because me office is that far. And I realised ohyeah that’s true.

Hopefully the next job will allow me to wake up when the sun is up.

On a related note, this week has been a pretty eventful week in the office. Colleagues started expressing their disappointment and frustration over the supposed “role models” in the company. If someone’s gonna place 5 (meaningful) job offers on a plate and serve it to us, I think…

Company that matters

Watching someone’s experience at an island that I just went to a month ago. In my head I’m thinking, you go Sudong, I also go Sudong, why yours look so much more fun than mine? It was tiring and boring – maybe cos it’s me who caused that haha. And even her “stuck in traffic jam” scenes looked fun.

Well, social media effects aside, I guess it’s also about who you go with. Just like how when I went to Changi for inspection with this same someone last week, it was more fun than the past 11 months of monthly inspections. Glad to have her as a “partner-in-crime” in the Changi projects from now on! :)

Company that matters

Entitlement

A workplace where cooperation is not seen as necessary but as a favour. Requiring begging and placating from one to another. Where gifts are sometimes regarded more as buying favours rather than out of love. Such is an unhealthy work environment.

Was also offered 10 cups of coffee in exchange of a favour. I declined. I will exchange for your friendship with those 10 cups of coffee.

Entitlement

Been 19 hours

since I woke up for work.

So much lies ahead of me though. Untouched songs when worship practice is tomorrow. My balancing act still hasn’t improved even after a year of working eh. But to throw in the towel (and another towel) like that, is perhaps unjustifiable. And I’ll likely not take up towels if this be my reason.

And there’s a report that ideally I should finish by tomorrow, latest. But I haven’t even started analysing a single thing. I usually take a week to finish my analysis and the report. Ah.

*Takes a deep breath* God, help me. One step at a time, here we go.

Shall take a bath, and get started on that report so that I gain time for practice tomorrow.

Been 19 hours

Bat Friend

Recently, I got bitten by a bat during work. I was trying to untangle the cords strangling its neck when it bit through my gloves and left three punctures on my finger. When we finally got it out and tried to let him fly free, he just plopped onto the ground. It seemed like he was strengthless/dying, or maybe we just didn’t drop him from high enough a height for him to take off in flight (for your interests, that’s why bats hang high).

Three small holes it gave me caused me to have to pay over $2,000 for rabies treatment. Even up till now, there’s still uncertainties in whether I will be reimbursed by the company. Sometimes, I – some friends too – would have this thought that goes, “Maybe I shouldn’t have saved it and there wouldn’t be all these troubles. Worse still, it was a dying bat.” To pay over $2,000 because of a dying bat just doesn’t make sense.

What if I come across another bat or another trapped animal again? Will I save it or leave it to die? No idea. It’s not a phobia but you know, my wallet feels the pain.

And I realised, this thought is quite applicable to life as well. Having faced disappointments/betrayals/hurts by your close friends, will you embark on a committed friendship again? I mean, to many people, friendships are just not worth it. Loyal friends are few.

I know this one though. Yes. Because God says so. But taking things forward very slowly as if prolonging the development of the friendship would delay any possible hurts. Haven’t been as intentional too.

I stood before God at service today, and I saw how things within me have changed over the course of the year. More stable – no longer falling into a valley low for days when I dream about it, which I have been dreaming about and I just did last night. More capable of dealing with loneliness and in fact sometimes I enjoy the autonomy I get, like not having to seek anyone’s opinions on the minor things. Once again affirmed of the fact that God is faithful and He alone never fails. I thanked God for all these. 

Probably slightly more isolated than before, but thankful that I’m almost done dealing with the loss. Thankful for being able to smell freedom that’s coming my way, and not be bogged down by negative emotions (and worse still, struggling alone).

Bat Friend

Last Touch

Something died.

“Orh hor!!! You last touch, your fault!”

1. I hope you are sincerely joking, otherwise this is quite childish.

2. Finger-pointing in the world seems common in the working world. It often seems to be about who points the fingers first, whether the “judge” bothers to clarify with the other person, whether you have the wits to turn the argument around and then pin the blame on someone else.

It takes discretion to see who’s playing the game. And if I were the boss, I wouldn’t care a hoot about how capable this person is but out you go. I’m not interested in lame office politics. (It’s especially lame when you are playing the politics alone and the person who’s being played can’t even be bothered about you.) I don’t have an interest in a staff who can’t bear responsibility either.

Maybe finger-pointing is so common in the working world because it’s more about fault-bearing than responsibility-bearing. People act blur or play the finger-pointing game so that they avoid the consequences. Yeah the uncertainties in these consequences are scary I suppose.

But what about when it comes to ‘I have a responsibility in this’? If I fail to meet expectations and I own up to it? Makes things more efficient, no? Your ‘yes’ is a ‘yes’ and your ‘no’ a ‘no’, and I can take your word for it instead of second-guessing what happened.

A fault’s always shunned and considered bad, but a responsibility, I guess, somewhat honourable. Think about it, responsibilities are put upon you because you are capable but faults land upon you seemingly to say that you are incapable. We need a paradigm shift I suppose.

Anyway, as to how I’m feeling. Uh, upset not simply because of this finger. I mean, if I’m innocent and you want to pin the blame on me, so be it, because your accusations are untrue anyway. And anyway, like I said, that will be childish if you meant it, so I’ll take it that you’re kidding. But I guess upset because I’ve been bearing the brunt of her insecurities since 50 over weeks ago and I am so sick and tired of it.

Last Touch