Relate

Walked from South Bridge Road to church with Bernice this evening. From what I can remember, it has been a long time since the last time I took a leisure stroll with someone with no concern for time/awkwardness. I should have been concerned about being late for prayer meet I guess, but I was pretty absorbed in the conversation to the point I lost track of time. Or maybe I just didn’t think that much time had passed since we left office.

Towards the end of the trip, she asked me a difficult (potentially sensitive) question that I have come to realise many people have at the top of their heads but just don’t dare to ask. She asked, and her reason was that she realised she was being evasive about it and she didn’t feel comfortable relating in that manner.

I appreciate the honesty. And not just that, her… can I say courage to be herself? The way that she seems to be so at ease with the way she is… not only do I appreciate it, but I want to be like that as well. (On this note, being yourself doesn’t mean being rude and demanding like some people take it to be.)

Her openness makes me want to open up to her as well. It makes me feel that a friendship is possible here? I feel somewhat of a trust here as well – like there had been times when we were both in office and she dropped a text (even though we are seated almost right next to each other) to suggest getting coffee together or having vegetarian for the day, that sort of thing. Trust in the form of being at ease.

I wondered if it’s because she sensed similarity – perhaps the relatively smaller age gap, perhaps my current stage of introversion reminds her of the past her, perhaps she could relate to my introversion, or perhaps we are both INTJ. I considered a few possibilities in my head. I don’t really know why though, but just thankful to God for sending a colleague who’s interested in starting a friendship. In fact, she was the one who popped over at my table to initiate conversations, to ask about me, in my first few days. Also a colleague who asked yesterday, “How’s your day?” Much, much appreciated.

Very thankful to God for this colleague, and another as well. They remind me of the sweetness in relating with people, just when I’m somewhat ready to just sail by and not relate to people as deeply as before.

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Relate

Desire

It’s been a long time since I last felt strong desires within me. This also somewhat coincides with David’s FB post about teaching his students this: If you have an aspiration, go and make it happen.

This thought has been lingering in my mind. Ever since I don’t know when – because I think this hasn’t always been the case – I started to be really chill about stuff. It’s good because I don’t get overly worried. Yet this also means that I no longer pursue what I want with my best. Leave it in God’s hands, I say.

I think I mean it. But at the same time, the lesson David was trying to teach his students also made me think: Could there be a room where I push beyond limits? How about the acronym P.U.S.H. – pray until something happens? Am I missing out on some things that God would have allowed me to learn because I don’t persist?

Received the news today that the EXCO has more or less made the decision to shift us to another division. For various reasons, I’m honestly reluctant – and change is not the main reason this time. Also, still hoping that my friend will get a chance at the interview. These are two desires that are deep within my heart.

It’s… not an absolutely great feeling to have unmet desires. Or to even hold on to unmet desires. I’m still trying to figure out – to what extent do I let go, and to what extent shall I push for them. In the midst of all these praying and struggling, may I gain a deeper revelation about praying. It is also my prayer that while I push, my heart will still remain soft towards what God wants me to see.

Desire

Nightfall

I do silly things at night. I know I do, but I still do it anyway. Often, this comes in the form of writing heartfelt/deep messages that I regret writing by the time the next day comes. But I do it anyway, and force myself to pass it on to the recipient before regret sets in.

Tonight, I sent a message to a superior from another department. My final push/try for this friend I suppose. I hope it helps her in getting invited to the interview. I would hate to see both the employer and employee miss out on good potentials just because of various filters.

I can feel my heart racing. Brave move. And I’m fearful of how the recipient of the message would look at me, to be honest. But I did it anyway. I hope this helps, both of you, really.

Nightfall

Friend at Work

It’s been a long time since I properly sat down to pen down my thoughts. Just very occupied with nothingness, yeah. Maybe I’m tired of trying… trying to make sense of what’s going on. It recently hit me that I haven’t been very excited about building new friendships and neither have I been curious about another’s life. Just interacting with people on a surface level.

Is this a sign of a greater magnitude of jadedness having set in? I would hate adulthood if jadedness is what it is. I want to be different but I find it so difficult to go against the tide, especially when people around me in the church are like that too. To be honest, I feel like I’m getting a greater sense of relationship at work more than in church.

So in a bid to ease my colleague’s fear of darkness, I agreed to do a night walk with her for her project last night. I thought about it and asked myself, what am I doing this for? After thinking about it, I think I can safely say that it is not to please her and I’m not expecting any return of favour. I guess I just wanted to help, to be a friend, in any ways I could. I can’t do much for her first project in this company, but this is what I can offer.

Happy to see that she’s relating to me as a friend too. Like when she stepped into the office for a moment in the middle of her meeting today, she saw that I was there and so she asked if I was interested in the infrared device they were testing out. So I popped into the meeting room – which was awkward – to just sneak a few peeks at the devices. At the end of her meeting, she invited me to join them in testing out the device in the park itself.

I had actually wanted to drop by a back-of-house area to speak to a zookeeper about a composting project. Thought that she probably hasn’t seen the area before, so I thought of asking her along if she was free, and I did. She agreed to it very readily and excitedly. We went, explored the breeding rooms, interviewed the keeper, and ended up touring the exhibit for some time.

It’s been an interesting time of getting to know this colleague as a friend. But a part of me also sensed the lack of energy/enthusiasm which I used to have, in wanting to bring relationships further.

What is wrong, and how can I fix this?

Friend at Work

Went for massage today. And again, my body is showing signs that I’ve failed to notice. Tired eyes, tired ears and tense shoulders. She kept asking me what have I done all these while and my answer was nothing much leh – as in I didn’t feel particularly stretched physically.

I’m finding my time more fulfilling though :) and that reminds me, I haven’t planned for tomorrow’s mentoring ohno.

Praises

My new boss has thing about lavishing her praises on people. While I think that I’ve grown in receiving praises by saying thank you, I still struggle with receiving hers.

They tend to be praises that elevate me beyond herself. Like, “You’ve been here for so long, you’re better than I am.” Erm, thank… you? But no.

:/ Need to learn how to express my thoughts better.

Praises

Newsworthiness

The first two weeks of the year/work flew past rather quickly. Not that there’s a lot to do for now, but I guess I enjoy the days quite a lot. I’m not just working here, but from time to time people will unashamedly start chit-chatting out loud on the randomest topics – regardless of whether the Chief is around. How wonderful is that! That people are genuine, that there are friendships here!

Was in a big meeting for the first time yesterday. We were discussing about what would make a good emphasis for our team’s campaign this year. Went through a few options, voiced our opinions and ultimately decided on one. Some of us thought one was good, but apparently it would be a repeated press so we went ahead with another. It was an eye-opener, where I experienced how different parties see things from different perspectives and how we balance all these out because we are in a big organisation like this. It’s like… BES!

Although we have concerns such as media or newsworthiness, I’m glad that so far I’ve witnessed how this organisation stayed true to its core values. The previous company told me that core values are just lies to make themselves feel good, but I’m glad that I’m now in a place where people talk about their core values every now and then. Or maybe that’s because my team was put together to fulfill that core value and so named after it – but hey that’s an impressive step!

So glad to be here! Though, I’m not exactly excited about the coastal clean-up later hahaha. But after I left the meeting yesterday, I was happy that we have each other to spar thoughts with (that’s what a brainstorm is for!) and these are people who are on-the-ball. Excited that I can learn from minds and attitudes like this!

Newsworthiness