It’s been a long time since I properly sat down to pen down my thoughts. Just very occupied with nothingness, yeah. Maybe I’m tired of trying… trying to make sense of what’s going on. It recently hit me that I haven’t been very excited about building new friendships and neither have I been curious about another’s life. Just interacting with people on a surface level.
Is this a sign of a greater magnitude of jadedness having set in? I would hate adulthood if jadedness is what it is. I want to be different but I find it so difficult to go against the tide, especially when people around me in the church are like that too. To be honest, I feel like I’m getting a greater sense of relationship at work more than in church.
So in a bid to ease my colleague’s fear of darkness, I agreed to do a night walk with her for her project last night. I thought about it and asked myself, what am I doing this for? After thinking about it, I think I can safely say that it is not to please her and I’m not expecting any return of favour. I guess I just wanted to help, to be a friend, in any ways I could. I can’t do much for her first project in this company, but this is what I can offer.
Happy to see that she’s relating to me as a friend too. Like when she stepped into the office for a moment in the middle of her meeting today, she saw that I was there and so she asked if I was interested in the infrared device they were testing out. So I popped into the meeting room – which was awkward – to just sneak a few peeks at the devices. At the end of her meeting, she invited me to join them in testing out the device in the park itself.
I had actually wanted to drop by a back-of-house area to speak to a zookeeper about a composting project. Thought that she probably hasn’t seen the area before, so I thought of asking her along if she was free, and I did. She agreed to it very readily and excitedly. We went, explored the breeding rooms, interviewed the keeper, and ended up touring the exhibit for some time.
It’s been an interesting time of getting to know this colleague as a friend. But a part of me also sensed the lack of energy/enthusiasm which I used to have, in wanting to bring relationships further.
What is wrong, and how can I fix this?