It’s interesting how – for a supposedly task-driven person like me – I actually enjoy spending extended time with people without an agenda.
Met ST for dinner the other night. Amongst the things we talked about was our faith journey. She left church about 2-3 years ago. There I was, hoping to be a channel that brings her back and yet at the same time, sharing my own struggles. I wanted to be real, I wanted to let her know that I feel her.
Ironically, she ended up being the one encouraging me to take precaution against burnout. She explained that that was what happened to her, and she’s finding it difficult to get back. Move on to another group if you have to, take a break if you have to.
This struggle is taking longer than expected. I’ve lost track of how long it’s been since the first time I struggled over whether I should turn up in church the next morning. I still do.
Man, I don’t know what’s going on anymore. I don’t know what I can do to help myself. God is still real to me, but community is… I’m doubting that.
Community is important. And a recent reflection I did about what matters to me most is still people. The things I enjoy most is because of people.
But that’s the thing – I don’t find that I’m in a community. I feel more like I’m just fulfilling an obligation rather than relating.
Maybe it’s me, too. What shall I do to change it?
Attempted to spring clean the past few days. Or more like, the attempt started months ago and lasted till like erm, this new “spring”. Got distracted la huh.
These few days have got to be of the most productive part of the whole process though. Dragged out the large items, cleaned the entire room, and cleaned out tons of stuff.
What it really felt like though, was a spring-cleaning of memories. There’re many things I used to keep because they remind me of people and our stories. This time round, I spent a few seconds longer looking at them (as compared to other things), and then determined in my heart that it’s time to let go. Throw it away, and don’t look back. Don’t give a chance to second thoughts.
So yeah, threw out a part of my room this time round. Along with it, let go of certain memories. No point holding on to semblances of good old days when there are no signs of them returning. That’s what I say to myself.
Wonder if this is a part of growing into adulthood.
It’s been a long time since I properly sat down to pen down my thoughts. Just very occupied with nothingness, yeah. Maybe I’m tired of trying… trying to make sense of what’s going on. It recently hit me that I haven’t been very excited about building new friendships and neither have I been curious about another’s life. Just interacting with people on a surface level.
Is this a sign of a greater magnitude of jadedness having set in? I would hate adulthood if jadedness is what it is. I want to be different but I find it so difficult to go against the tide, especially when people around me in the church are like that too. To be honest, I feel like I’m getting a greater sense of relationship at work more than in church.
So in a bid to ease my colleague’s fear of darkness, I agreed to do a night walk with her for her project last night. I thought about it and asked myself, what am I doing this for? After thinking about it, I think I can safely say that it is not to please her and I’m not expecting any return of favour. I guess I just wanted to help, to be a friend, in any ways I could. I can’t do much for her first project in this company, but this is what I can offer.
Happy to see that she’s relating to me as a friend too. Like when she stepped into the office for a moment in the middle of her meeting today, she saw that I was there and so she asked if I was interested in the infrared device they were testing out. So I popped into the meeting room – which was awkward – to just sneak a few peeks at the devices. At the end of her meeting, she invited me to join them in testing out the device in the park itself.
I had actually wanted to drop by a back-of-house area to speak to a zookeeper about a composting project. Thought that she probably hasn’t seen the area before, so I thought of asking her along if she was free, and I did. She agreed to it very readily and excitedly. We went, explored the breeding rooms, interviewed the keeper, and ended up touring the exhibit for some time.
It’s been an interesting time of getting to know this colleague as a friend. But a part of me also sensed the lack of energy/enthusiasm which I used to have, in wanting to bring relationships further.
What is wrong, and how can I fix this?
Boarded the bus this morning and took a seat beside a man dressed in a red top and a pair of jeans, with a cap on his head. Just as I settled into my seat, he suddenly called out, “Wan Xuan!”
That gave me a scare, thanks bro. It’s probably been almost 10 years since we last met. We grew up together in the same student care. Even after we left, we met up every now and then to catch up. And somehow this just came to a stop without us realising. Searched for his number recently and couldn’t find it on my phone. But now I have it.
His voice has definitely grown deeper. Definitely seems more 稳重 than before. His laughter though, sends chill down one’s spine; I wonder why.
It’s a good morning, bumping into an old friend again. Catch up some time soon!
Also, finally reconnected with a once very good friend two nights ago and still talking. I guess part of me does feel bad for walking out without any explanation. Good to be reconnecting again!
This thing about presence intrigues me. The first time I was made so aware of it was 2 years ago, when my uncle passed away. I stopped to feel; it felt as if there’s nothing but an object laid in the casket.
Midway into this job, with someone with much insecurities nit-picking on everything I do, I began to feel uneasy whenever she’s around. She need not say anything, but just her footsteps up the stairs, just her presence, are enough to make me feel uneasy. If there’s any way of escape, I would really want to get away from that. Even up till now, I still feel pretty disturbed whenever she’s within a certain radius from me.
These few days, I’m feeling it in the opposite way. When someone (else) steps in, I feel happy. When someone leaves, I feel a little bothered. It happened today too.
I took half-day today to visit those guys in NUS. I had wanted to leave the office at 11am, 11.15am the latest. But at 10.57am, I began to feel the inclination to stay just a little longer. 11am, 11.10am… 11.15am… in the end, I stayed till 11.30am. As I walked out and this… mmm friend… said, “再见了，朋友”, it felt as if it’s a foreshadow of what would happen in 2 weeks’ time.
我想，这舍不得的心情在当天应该会沉重得许多。Ohwells, hope we will really go on skating, singing k and riding horses. Look forward to be co-workers again some time down the road.