That day we met up, Yvonne shared about how work got crazy busy after she changed her work laptop password from ‘lovejoypeace’ to ‘#onlyGod’. We had a good laugh over how “apt” the password was.
Just now during the prayer meet, Christine got us to think of the #onlyGod prayers we wrote on the piece of paper, and to pray and trust God with these seemingly impossible things. That was when I realised that what I had wrote then – family and work – had taken a not-so-good turn in this current season. Still, I could trust that God would let hope rise within me and that He would make a way for my family and people at work. But there’s one thing I find it hard to ask Him to help me look to Him for it again…
I came home that night, filled with the determination to give it up. That night, I felt like I was taking back the #onlyGod prayer list from God and was saying to Him, “Let me strike this off; You don’t need to answer this prayer anymore.” No I wasn’t depressed when I did that, in fact I felt relieved.
I’ve been hoping, trying, getting disappointed, hoping, trying, getting disappointed and the cycle repeated itself many times. I’m tired. I.have.done.all.that.I.could. I’m done. That night, I thought it was easier to condemn it to the abyss and tell myself this is a complete impossibility. It’s easier that way, because sometimes bearing that kind of hope is tiring.
The next morning, I was going about the house getting ready for work. I walked past the fridge, lifted my eyes and suddenly saw a magnet on the fridge that said, “What is impossible with man is possible with God.”
Funny huh. This is the kind of moment that God has been bringing before my eyes whenever I said I was done. This time round, I said, no it’s okay, let it remain impossible. And I walked away.
During the prayer meet when we were encouraged to pray and trust God, I felt challenged by God. So you can’t trust me with this? Why is it that you will trust me with things that currently look bad in those other requests but you will not trust me in this – when this issue hasn’t changed for the worse this season? So you can’t trust me with this?
I felt myself bargaining with Him, explaining to Him. I don’t have a good justification. I would surrender because He’s asking me to surrender and I want to obey. But. I don’t have the strength to even the bear the hope anymore.
It’s totally out of my means and I really can’t do this by myself anymore. I won’t take this up. But here’s my heart, change it if You will.