Late night thoughts

Went back to look at some photos from a year ago. Missing some people. And also realised that I’ve changed – for the worse maybe haha ohno. Definitely more of a loner these days, regretably. 

‘Regretably’ not because I feel lonely. In fact I’ve gotten used to being alone. But I regret because lately, I realised I’ve forgotten how giving spurred (naturally) by love is like. And it seems like I’ve reverted back to being my INTJ, the awkward self in expressing itself.

Hmm.

Late night thoughts

Bye 2016, Hello 2017

While the new year “feel” is still here, I thought I should get down to writing down the gains and losses in 2016 and my hopes for 2017. Briefly reflected on my spiritual birthday about a month ago, but didn’t get the time to sit down and write them down properly.

2016 was a year of many changes. So many that it felt as though years went by when it’s only been 365 days. Just the other day when I took a look at my organiser, I was surprised/shocked/stunned to realise that many events took place only this year. I would say 2016 was marked by two significant changes – a friendship, and graduation/start of work life.

In fact, when I went back to look at when was the day I decided to be committed in building this friendship, I was surprised to see that it was just last October. So the friendship had only been 8 months and it’s gone. In thinking of what to write here, I just did a flip-through of my organiser from January to December 2016 and I saw how a name kept appearing in the first 6 months of the year, and it suddenly disappeared in the second half of the year. Disappeared, entirely.

The realisation was, painful. That’s one of those friends that I valued a lot. If not, I wouldn’t have persevered in resolving each of those conflicts we had. I remember, in one of those fights we had, both of us couldn’t believe how I stood undeterred despite having harsh words hurled at me. We both agreed that anyone would have left under that circumstance. I was surprised at how I was, and I remember saying that I couldn’t believe that I stayed to talk it out still. If the friendship did not matter, why would anyone in their right mind persist in situations like that?

Each of those times we fought and reconciled, that feeling was sweet. We fought because of differences, but I’ll never agree that differences should be a reason for quitting a friendship. Certainly tiring when conflicts happened, nonetheless sweet when reconciliation happened. But this time round, tried but there’s nothing I can do with a wall erected.

The other thing that marked 2016 was graduating for (possibly) the final time as a student, and becoming a working adult. Responsibilities are certainly different, and to some extent, burdensome. I remember feeling overwhelmed just by the thought of that before work even began.

And then came challenges to my values and principles as a Christian. I had to take a step back – many times – to re-look at my values and principles. There were times I doubted myself and wondered if I’m just a naive fresh graduate with an idealistic world in mind. In fact sometimes I still do. I wouldn’t say that I’ve been in this long enough – well, it’s only been 7 months – to draw a valid conclusion.

It is also because of these challenges that I asked myself what it is that I really want in my life. To put it another way, what would make me feel accomplished? My director talked to me about getting to a managerial position before turning 30. Well, sounds great and why not? I certainly don’t mind that but at the same time, I came to realise that that thought didn’t really excite me. I figured that what excites me is seeing people grow, seeing people learn. Since the day that I worked part-time as a life coach, I’ll always recall the growth I witnessed and the sparkles in the eyes of those youths I worked with. What makes me feel accomplished would be adding value to others’ lives.

Still dealing with these challenges. And honestly, it’s been a lonely ride. Brutal as it may be, but the fact is most friends can’t be bothered. Mainly because they have their own lives to deal with as well.

And to be really honest, there was a period of time I even doubted the genuineness of the love in the church. These are definitely nice, good and well-meaning people. But sometimes I felt that most of the friendships in church are restricted to the boundaries of a cell group. Once we transit into another cell group, these people are done with being part of your life and they are gone. Very few would even check back. This is very different from the friendships I find outside the walls of a church. While I can’t say these friendships outside are about unconditional love (in that you love someone despite their flaws, weakenesses and even sins), these friends are at least people who look forward to going a long way with you.

But thank God, that I can say that there’s ‘very few’ who would check back rather than ‘none’ in His church. These were the people who made it impossible for me to tell God that His community is not genuine. I figured that a church that loves genuinely and cares for one another regardless of whether you’re in the same cell group or not is an ideal. We are rather far from that. But there are people who live that out. So I stayed put because my accusations couldn’t stand valid in view of these people that God has placed in my life.

I still wasn’t fully convinced until the day at Amanda’s birthday party. When I looked around and saw that those friends from church were the ones serving food and helping out with decorations and stuff, I saw that they were like family to her. It’s like as though they took Amanda’s matters like their own. These were not people from her cell group, so I guess, no obligations? haha But yes, that answered the challenge that I posed to God. Thank You God :)

Guess my conclusion is that while the church is not where God wants us to be, those of us who believe in that vision should continue striving to love others in that way. In the midst of struggling with that, I did find people who felt as torn by that as I did and it’s an encouragement for me to know that there are people who minded that.

So, those were the two major changes in 2016. Pretty tough I would say. But. As I wrote down in point form the things that took place and what I learned, I saw God in every part of the journey. How He allowed me to run away from Him because I hated where my thoughts would wander to whenever I stayed silent, how He pursued me by giving visions to a stranger and an acquaintance regarding me, how I had no one I could turn to but He’s always always there for me. Always. I experienced and learned what it means to call Him my Refuge, my Comforter, my Rock, my Anchor. My God is faithful.

Spent some time with God before this. One of the songs I sang to Him was Potter’s Hand, and I told Him honestly, I feel scared whenever I say to Him, “Mould me.” Because it seems like He always take that seriously. And it’s, more often than not, painful. I asked Him if moulding could ever be enjoyable – I have no idea man. So yes, singing that song to Him on Day 1 of 2017 was rather… nerve-wrecking. 2016 was already tough – yes to the extent that I actually felt maybe death isn’t that bad afterall because at least I’ll be done with the pains on this earth – so I can’t imagine a 2017 that’s as tough or tougher because I already am feeling tired. But at the same time, I trust my God, my Potter, the One who turns ashes to beauty, who picks my broken pieces and turn these into a beautiful art piece.

And going ahead, instead of setting a yearly resolution, I decided to set up checkpoint number 1 in March, for these 3 things:

  • Establish a daily rhythm where time is set aside for God.
  • In establishing that rhythm, have 2 days a week in which I exercise.
  • With regards to that friendship, to let go and let God. I don’t know what this entails, honestly, but I asked that God lead me in that.

Beautiful Lord, wonderful Saviour
I know for sure, all of my days are
Held in Your hands
Crafted into Your perfect plan
You gently called me into Your Presence
Guiding me by Your Holy Spirit
Teach me dear Lord,
To live all of my life through Your eyes

I’m captured by Your holy calling
Set me apart, I know You’re drawing me to Yourself
Lead me Lord, I pray

Take me, mould me, use me, fill me
I give my life to the Potter’s hand
Call me, guide me, lead me, walk beside me
I give my life to the Potter’s hand

Bye 2016, Hello 2017

Parachute

Just had some catching up time with Denise over coffee. I feel so old saying that but that’s really what we did.

Words often fail to express my amazement, and this happened again today. Months ago when we met and she shared about a friendship that wasn’t going too well, I thought I was experiencing something similar. I understood what she was going through, I was able to empathise with the struggle and I could feel the pain in it.

Today, months later, she shared about the peace she now has. Not that everything has gone back to where they were, but understanding that things are beyond her control. I know what she meant. This is something that I’m experiencing lately as well.

Whether the other person replies or not, it no longer bothers us as much as before. I’ll just do my part, and as for the response that returns – or not – so be it. Do things with love and sincerity, that’s all… I guess. Well, Denise has got somewhat of a reconciliation recently and in my case, reconciliation is not (yet?) in sight. Glad for her, because reconciliation is beautiful. As for whether my friendship will turn out the same way, I don’t know, though I wish for it to be so. Regardless, let me be at peace with what comes my way.

She also shared about another friendship through which God shed a glimpse of His grief for the world. That, sounded familiar. What she shared helped me to understand how I can apply what God taught me (us) – to love the person even more.

As she shared, I just felt that it’s really cool how we are on a similar part of the journey. I didn’t share much about that part of my story, but just quietly listened as she shared and felt wow-ed by that “coincidence”. It’s like going through things together-but-not-together. I just kept saying “That’s really cool!”, which I doubt she knew why since I didn’t say much about mine.

I don’t know why someone from a part of my past would resurface once again at this point in time. I mean, we hadn’t always kept in contact in our uni years. In fact, we only met once and maybe a few comments here and there on social media. It feels as if she’s parachuted back into my life at the right moment, going through something similar (which I don’t think she realised). As for the purpose behind this whole “coincidence”, I don’t really have an answer to it. But I guess, it makes this part of the journey less lonesome because I know someone else understands, because this person is going through the same thing with similar thoughts and struggle I have.

As for where I am right now in this journey… getting increasingly at peace with where I am. In a way, no longer affected by whether I’ll get a reply and increasingly more okay with things not going back the way they were. I mean yes that would be great but… well. Learning to be at peace with how things are like and accept it? I still wonder about what even happened, but am more alright with talking about it (which I wasn’t a few months ago). I still care and I wish I know what’s going on in that friend’s life, but I can’t. But it does seem like she’s getting along fine, and that she has a good friend by her side. As long as she’s happy, that’s good for me. Learning to love in this way I guess, in a way that wishes for the best for this friend, regardless.

Parachute

Reflection on Love

Embarked on a 10-day reflection on God’s love last week, with Our Daily Bread Ministries’ booklet. It’s a reflection on each part of John 3:16 and today’s focus was on “so loved”.

During the reflection, I told God honestly that each time I hear about His Love lately, I’ll be reminded of a once-good-friend. And that pricks me. God loves me so unconditionally and I, can’t do the same for this friend.

Instead of loving this friend, I’ve been asking God to turn me away. You see, love is a verb, love is an action; love is active in taking steps. But it’s been so painful that I would rather be so okay that I’ll be void of any emotions when reminders of this person flash past my mind. It seemed to me at the start that this will be an evidence of forgiveness because I shall no longer bear any feelings of hurt. But just a few days ago, it hit me that this is apathy – what I was asking for is to be apathetic towards this person. It’s not forgiveness, and in fact, far from forgiveness.

As I went on with the reflection, I learnt another aspect of God’s love – what it means to be a Giver of love.

As a Recipient

All along, I know that loving people who are difficult to love reflects an appreciation and gratitude towards what Christ has done for me. It is acknowledging that I have sinned against God and regardless of how “big” or how “small” that sin seems to me, what I do break God’s heart anyway. It is that acknowledgement that leads us to gratitude. It is also that acknowledgement that brings us to forgive others who hurt us. Because, if God has first loved us and forgiven us, who are we to refuse to dispense forgiveness unto another of God’s creation – who is no greater yet also no lesser than who I am. In a way, it is thus, required of me, to love others.

It is unconditional love that we receive, and so it ought to be unconditional love that we dispense.

As a Giver

And it hurts to dispense love unconditionally. It hurts to love when the person just seems angry at you, refuses to communicate with you, leaves you hanging there and wondering what even happened. It hurts to be waiting and hoping for a reconciliation when time and again, what you see is a friendship far away from reconciliation.

This, shows me how God loves us. To have His creation deny Him, betray Him, hate Him, hurts. Time and again He reaches out but only to be rejected. Still, He reaches out anyway. Still, He loves anyway. Not only does He love us unconditionally, but He displayed that love in reserving nothing from us. He gave His best to us – His one and only Son whom He loves and is well-pleased with (John 3:16; Matthew 3:17). Unconditional in that God doesn’t require anything of us, unreserved in the way that He gives us His best.

My love and His love differs to such great extent. If I love with that tiny bit of love that I have, and it hurts already – imagine what pain He endures in loving us with His infinite love. And this brings about a greater appreciation of His love for me.

That is revelation. Does it make it any easier for me to love this friend? Unfortunately, no. But I’ll make this my prayer, again, that God will give me the strength and courage to love this friend, nonetheless. Will I fail and want to take a step back again? Quite likely, considering how many times He emboldened me and I went out, felt a stabbed, and withdrew myself. But I trust that His grace is sufficient for me, and He will keep reaching out. Because He loves me.

Not only do I see how He loves me and helps me to be like Him, I see how He loves this friend as well. In these past 6-7 months, He has never, ever, told me to just let it go and give up on this person. Never. Each time I felt a prompting, each time I heard a voice, it is always to love.

Reflection on Love

First Love

You chose the cross
You chose me
Surrendered Your life
You chose me
Though I did not deserve
You chose me

So I choose to love
Just as You chose me
I put You first
As You first loved me
I’ll treasure Your grace
As You died for me

The fact that God chose to love me and die for me when I did not deserve it gives me no right to withhold love from anyone. Even if, there is every reason to do so. He had every reason to withhold His love from me and yet He chose to love me above all.

First Love

None like You

There is none like You
No one else can touch my heart like You do
I could search for all eternity long
And find, there is none like You

No one loves me like You do. 

Sitting in a cafe, reading a manga, and just watching this group of people sitting in front of me talking about their lives. Sometimes watching people makes me wonder if this is what God sees. A little silly, a little foolish – well, probably an understatement to Him. 

Yet He chooses to love us. Yet He chooses to come to us, to meet us where we are.

None like You

People matters

Where relationships are concerned, the scale with we measure worth and value gets tipped. Taking a route home may save us 15 minutes but what is 15 minutes as compared to the relationships you cherish?

Drove out from my house to a nearby foodcourt for dinner tonight. Well, a little tired and as much as possible, I really don’t wish to have to drive. We could have walked instead and save on that $1.00 parking fees, but I thought, my mom probably just wants a ride from me. So I decided to just go ahead. Who knows how many or how few chances there would be for me to drive her around and for her to be my passenger?

I remember there was one LG we were told to write down 5 most important things/people to us. It was tough listing them out by the time I got to my third word – not so much because I had too many to list, but haha I had too few. Eventually, I had sleep, Simon & Patrick, friendships, agility and my grandfather on my list. 

Then we were told to give up on one and throw it into a box. Some of us shared why that was important to us, and why we let go of it. I dropped sleep in. Then, we were told to drop a second one, then a third, a fourth. I dropped mine in the order listed. Wouldn’t have thought friendships went in before myself, or that I dropped it so easily, but I guess it had to do with how friendships were getting pretty sucky then. 

Anyway, even as we had to drop more and more into the box, we began to struggle. Because, the two and three we had wanted to keep and found difficult to let go of were relationships, people who matter to us.
That was interesting.

People matters