怎么了，你? 是太享受独处的日子吗? 还是对这世间的人事物厌倦了? 或是自己太在意别人对你的看法了?
怎么了，你? 是太享受独处的日子吗? 还是对这世间的人事物厌倦了? 或是自己太在意别人对你的看法了?
Ever since Jerald spoke to me about finding the vision of my life, this idea has been lingering in my mind. I want to, but how? I imagine it to be something that I would definitely need to take time to be alone to do, but just by sitting there alone may or may not enlighten me in that sense. So what does it take to help me find a statement that would echo throughout my being?
What is the purpose of your life? To live for God! That’s what I’ve always said, and that’s also what I’ve taken for granted. When Jerald spoke to me about that, I began to ask questions about what living for God would mean. I don’t mean looking for the answer for all mankind, but the answer that would come from WX.
I began to see us as puzzle pieces. Each of us are designed with a unique calling. When we live our lives the way God had intended it to be, when we fit into the place where we are called to be, we help form a fuller picture. A fuller picture of… Heaven perhaps? Of what this world was intended to be like if all of us play our parts in the Kingdom of God. That is why, I believe, we have different interests, different passions, different talents, different gifts.
What would move me? What would propel me to go beyond my comfort zone? Michelle has said a few times that I am someone who runs towards my passion, who has a drive when it comes to something that I believe in. What would that be?
Was in the Northeast Centre today, somewhat because of its wheelchair friendliness. The moment I sat down in the service hall, Christopher came over and we had a little catch up. He asked, “How have you been?” To which I replied, “Quite good, because I had a 7 days MC and could work from home, so I had more time to rest.”
And during worship, two things came to mind.
The first was yesterday’s thought process at the traditional Chinese medicine clinic. The past few times I had a sprain and visited a TCM clinic, I would bear with the pain and smile and say, I’m okay. Yesterday, I totally shot up when they applied pressure on different parts of my leg, and I was shouting in agony, “ttt…ttt.ttttt…疼！疼！疼！” The doctor (CY’s mom actually) even asked me, “真的有那么疼吗？” 有！
Ya I said that. But when they were applying pressure on my legs, or when they did acupuncture on it, I tried my best to bear with the pain. It was very tempting to ask if we could take a break because I was in such pain that I had to grab my jeans and my hair to stop myself from moving about. But I told myself not to call for a break, and let them do what they needed to. It’s painful but it’s just for a short while and my leg will get better. I got through the 1 hour with that. At the end of the 1 hour, I was asked to try standing and walking. I couldn’t walk probably because I haven’t walked for 10 days, but I could stand without feeling as much pain as before! My leg got significantly better!
When I got home, it occurred to me that that’s pretty much like the pruning process that God puts us through, isn’t it? The past year has been a struggle to be honest. It got to the point that I got so tired and wanted to pull out of ministries and even community – like yeah, up till the week before I injured my ankle. I told some of my friends that sometimes I had wished God would take me home because I don’t know how long more I would last the race.
I wish I could press the pause button as and when I wanted, but I couldn’t. If I said I would surrender and trust, then pray, pray that I would learn to be still in God in the midst of the pruning.
The victory is sweet though. I don’t know if I’m entirely out of it, like finally, but I know God has been reassuring me of His presence, of Him still being in control. I’ve been immensely touched during worship and sermon for reasons I don’t understand. I feel drawn and captivated by Him once again. I have found freedom from my sins as well; this freedom is sweet.
The second thing that came to my mind during worship was that perhaps, this injury didn’t happen at a bad time, at all. I kept thinking it’s a bad timing to be injured. It’s a period when I’m rushing an annual report for my client and it’s a period where I have to be on ground pretty much. It forced everything to slow down as I spent the bulk of my time sofa-ridden almost everyday from 6 Sep till 13 Sep. But it suddenly occurred to me that God was trying to stop me in my tracks. At the rate I was going, I was close to breaking down. He had to force me to stop.
During those few days of not being able to move much, I had time to sit on the bed and have my quiet time. I could take time to simply, take time. I had home-cooked food almost everyday. I slept early, I woke up when my body felt recharged. Hence the reply to Christopher, I’ve been feeling quite good.
Immensely grateful for a God who loves me so so much. May I never lose the wonder of the cross.
Realised yesterday that my recent downness could be an effect of a disrupted rest over the past 2 weeks. Yeah, I’m someone who knocks out and sleeps through the night, but lately I’ve been waking up in the middle of the night to… nothing. Initially I thought it was the heat, then exercising too late at night, and eventually I realised it just kept happening each night.
Was at home yesterday and felt utterly down since the morning. Because I had an argument with my mom over the state of the house hur. Cell group mate asked how did I spend my day yesterday, and I replied, “Quarrelling with my mom.” Quarelled till I shut myself in my room, got angry at what she said, thought about leaving the house, thought about the imperfections of the church, etc.
That came in too early. When I realised years ago that I sink into negativity late at night, I would go to sleep if I had nothing occupying my time (e.g. assignments). But when I sank that low yesterday, it was too early, too much time for the day to go by, too many opportunities for me to sink even lower.
Came home from lunch and did my Quiet Time and, there was this sleepiness that came upon me. “Go and sleep, take a rest.” And so I did.
I woke up. Yes, what’s up now? The first thought that came was this – God is sovereign still, everything is in control, I’m not alone in these. That was reassuring, and changed my outlook the moment I left the bed.
That was also when I realised that I’ve been feeling overwhelmed by whatever that’s going on in life. The conflict, the Christians, the family, the company. It’s almost as though I forgot that God is holding all these in His hands.
I lift my hands to heaven
Here my heart surrendered
I tell my soul again
You are Lord of all
Though the seas are raging
You will speak and tame them
In You I find my rest
You are in control
Painfully aware of how hopeless everything in life is. Don’t wanna elaborate on this but yeah. Used to be somewhat afraid of death but recently I gained a new found understanding in what Paul said, “To die is gain.”
Well, not suicidal so don’t worry. I thought to myself these few days that without Christ, I might be.
But anyway, the hopelessness in life has pointed me to the unfailing hope that I have in Christ. Unfailing hope. This I am certain. For this, I am living.
So, got bitten by a bat at work yesterday while trying to untangle it from a net it was trapped in. It bit through my gloves and left 3 punctures and 2 scratches.
And I wondered if I would grow fangs become a vampire And that started a series of troubles in my heart pocket today. Thoughts that came across my mind when I was told the 3 rabies jabs cost $1.3k:
Bat-boy, the troubles you’ve given me with a simple bite isn’t all that simple :(