So near yet so far

Contrary to what others think of when I tell them where I work at, it’s actually quite a centralised location. I was surprised when I found out that I have buses to NUS, to church. And today I found out I’m within a 30 minutes bus ride from parks like MacRitchie, Bishan-Ang Mo Kio Park. 

Also closer than ever to a particular place. Was googling for my runs (yes I’m quite motivated these days) around places near the office and I realised that I’m supposed to drop off right at that place. I don’t know whether to laugh or cry at these coincidences that have been happening. But for now, it’s a 心寒 kind of feeling, a kind of “Sigh, ohwell.”

Why God, why? What are You doing?

So near yet so far

In Control

Realised yesterday that my recent downness could be an effect of a disrupted rest over the past 2 weeks. Yeah, I’m someone who knocks out and sleeps through the night, but lately I’ve been waking up in the middle of the night to… nothing. Initially I thought it was the heat, then exercising too late at night, and eventually I realised it just kept happening each night.

Was at home yesterday and felt utterly down since the morning. Because I had an argument with my mom over the state of the house hur. Cell group mate asked how did I spend my day yesterday, and I replied, “Quarrelling with my mom.” Quarelled till I shut myself in my room, got angry at what she said, thought about leaving the house, thought about the imperfections of the church, etc.

That came in too early. When I realised years ago that I sink into negativity late at night, I would go to sleep if I had nothing occupying my time (e.g. assignments). But when I sank that low yesterday, it was too early, too much time for the day to go by, too many opportunities for me to sink even lower.

Came home from lunch and did my Quiet Time and, there was this sleepiness that came upon me. “Go and sleep, take a rest.” And so I did.

I woke up. Yes, what’s up now? The first thought that came was this – God is sovereign still, everything is in control, I’m not alone in these. That was reassuring, and changed my outlook the moment I left the bed.

That was also when I realised that I’ve been feeling overwhelmed by whatever that’s going on in life. The conflict, the Christians, the family, the company. It’s almost as though I forgot that God is holding all these in His hands.

I lift my hands to heaven
Here my heart surrendered
I tell my soul again
You are Lord of all
Though the seas are raging
You will speak and tame them
In You I find my rest
You are in control

In Control

Drawn

It’s a blessing to have something to look forward to. Been looking forward to tonight.

It’s a blessing to go the extra mile for people, in literal way as well. Went the extra extra mile today – might have already reached home by now but I’m still a good 45 minutes away from home.

Feels like my heart has grown colder over the past one year. But I hope that I will never stop loving, that I will never stop giving.

—————————————————————–

Interestingly, a part of the conversation went like this:

Me: A relator. That means that while the person has the capability to make friends with a lot of people, the person only has a very small group of friends who are “deemed” (emphasis added with gesture) genuine.

SE:
Hahahaha so am I part of this group? Sekali I’m not.

Me:
You are la, you are. (awkwardly laughs)

In my head, I was just thinking to myself, looking at our recent interaction, I would have invested way too much time and effort if you’re not part of the group of close friends.

Was great meeting everyone tonight. Just wished that we had time to catch-up. But well, next time maybe!

Drawn

Bat Friend

Recently, I got bitten by a bat during work. I was trying to untangle the cords strangling its neck when it bit through my gloves and left three punctures on my finger. When we finally got it out and tried to let him fly free, he just plopped onto the ground. It seemed like he was strengthless/dying, or maybe we just didn’t drop him from high enough a height for him to take off in flight (for your interests, that’s why bats hang high).

Three small holes it gave me caused me to have to pay over $2,000 for rabies treatment. Even up till now, there’s still uncertainties in whether I will be reimbursed by the company. Sometimes, I – some friends too – would have this thought that goes, “Maybe I shouldn’t have saved it and there wouldn’t be all these troubles. Worse still, it was a dying bat.” To pay over $2,000 because of a dying bat just doesn’t make sense.

What if I come across another bat or another trapped animal again? Will I save it or leave it to die? No idea. It’s not a phobia but you know, my wallet feels the pain.

And I realised, this thought is quite applicable to life as well. Having faced disappointments/betrayals/hurts by your close friends, will you embark on a committed friendship again? I mean, to many people, friendships are just not worth it. Loyal friends are few.

I know this one though. Yes. Because God says so. But taking things forward very slowly as if prolonging the development of the friendship would delay any possible hurts. Haven’t been as intentional too.

I stood before God at service today, and I saw how things within me have changed over the course of the year. More stable – no longer falling into a valley low for days when I dream about it, which I have been dreaming about and I just did last night. More capable of dealing with loneliness and in fact sometimes I enjoy the autonomy I get, like not having to seek anyone’s opinions on the minor things. Once again affirmed of the fact that God is faithful and He alone never fails. I thanked God for all these. 

Probably slightly more isolated than before, but thankful that I’m almost done dealing with the loss. Thankful for being able to smell freedom that’s coming my way, and not be bogged down by negative emotions (and worse still, struggling alone).

Bat Friend