Had dinner with B and a young intern earlier on. B was sharing about her work woes.
After we parted, I thought that maybe I should talk to B about this when I have the chance to. Afterall, the intern’s young and I’m not too sure if she would appropriately handle the things she heard – I’m euphemising this so much. And I admit, I do have my reservations about her.
B texted about some random stuff and also said we could stop her next time, in case we didn’t want to take in the negativity. I replied to say I’m okay with it, and I deliberated on whether it was the right channel to speak to her about my thoughts. Crafted my message and edited it several times to make sure I don’t misrepresent the intern, to make it clear it could just be my personal opinion, and to lighten the tone of the text. And I wanted her to know that what I really cared about was her.
It was nerve-wrecking to send the text out. Was worried about how B might take it – was concerned about whether she would misunderstand my intentions and as a result hurt our friendship. Though I must say, this was probably the first time in this new friendship that trust was at stake. It’s either we make it or we break it.
We made it. She replied and from what it seemed, she understood that I said what I did out of concern for her. That means, trust level up I suppose?
Other than a sense of relief (before that I was fearful of checking for her reply), it also felt great that she received the text well. Hopefully this is a step forward in our friendship too. I had risked breaking a trust if she had not received it well, but I think tonight we gained trust in our friendship.
It’s also a blessing to have someone whom I care about enough to want to take such a risk to speak the truth in love. Had it been a passerby, I would have just let him/her be. It’s been a long time since a person like that is in my life.
For the past few weeks, I’ve been feeling rather left alone, somewhat forgotten. Kept asking God, where are You.
But today, I set aside my lunch and dinner time to meet with two ladies. One from work, and one from church. With Pris at lunch, we took time to get to know each other as fellow Christians and prayed for the organisation together. With Yvonne at dinner, we shared about where we are with God, in particular how it has been trying to keep our faith as working adults.
For one, I appreciate the vulnerability in the time of sharing. Such an exchange is very much needed. I feel like I’m running so low on quality time like that, so much so that I have been feeling a lack of support in my spiritual walk.
In my conversation with Yvonne in particular, I shared about how God has been hearing my prayers since I started work here. From praying for Christian support, praying against divisional changes, to praying about my work relationship with my superior, God has been answering my prayers. It was then that I said, “I realise God has actually been quite present in my work place.” To which Yvonne affirmed and reminded me that it is often such times when we look back on what God has done that we realise that God has been here with us.
Struggling with community, but this is also a good reminder of the importance of community in spurring each other on. Today’s a good day, though tiring.
It feels like it was just yesterday that this photo was taken. Yet, so much has changed.
I can’t say that I’m fully thankful for what has changed. Well, well, well.
There will perhaps come a time when it all ends. Be determined when that day comes, kid. It’s been 2 years; if things were to get better, they would have. You’ve given it enough time, 算了吧。
No idea what’s wrong these few days, but I just kept thinking about an old friend.
It was past 6pm; time to leave work. It suddenly struck me that I’ve gotten so comfortable with my colleagues that the workplace doesn’t really feel like one anymore. It didn’t feel heavy or unpleasant in any ways.
Suddenly, Bernice turned around and asked if I wanted dinner. She meant let’s have dinner so that we could come back and carry on with our work. I hardly sensed any resistance within. I agreed.
Eventually, this became a let’s just have dinner and not come back anymore. We spent the rest of the evening having dinner and chatting. She shared with me about her past experiences.
At one point, I noticed her eyes welled up with tears, which she was trying to contain. Her face turned red; that made me confirm she felt vulnerable then. At the end of it, she apologised for feeling a little emotional about it when, she thought she had gotten past it.
It was an episode about the betrayal of a friend. I stopped myself from jumping in and saying “I know how you feel, because I experienced something similar too.”
I know that it’s painful. I know that as much as we think we have gotten over it, as far as we’ve come to where we are now, it still hurts to lose someone close to our heart. It still hurts. And it’s okay to cry over it – I needed to feel like that’s okay, when I talked about it, too. I wonder if we will ever get over it. It’s been 8 years for her.
That exchange was, great. It seems like she’s the one – amongst everyone else – who’s been telling me things from the depth of her heart so far. I really appreciate such exchanges and I hope, we will not have that trust broken. One day when our conversation gets there, I’ll share my story too.
A realisation dawned upon me tonight as I took a stroll and stopped by the supermarket on my way home. I couldn’t (and still can’t) really remember the exact words, but I was reminded of the words that someone who used to be rather close said to me on multiple occasions. Something along the lines of how I cared too much about how she felt.
The statement came up whenever I felt that she’s avoiding me for reasons that I wasn’t aware of and I tried to get an answer from her. Or sometimes, that statement came up when I knew she was upset with me and I really wanted to resolve the matter at hand.
To me, it was only right to resolve any potential conflict, because I felt that the friendship was important. I would try my best to sort things out so that we could get on with life as usual. My communication of these didn’t seem to get across, because – it’s none of my business.
It hit me tonight, that perhaps, there were some truths to what that friend said. From the StrengthsFinder point of view (or maybe I’m too into this lately), I had over-utilising my Responsibility talent theme. I might have taken on too much of the responsibility to resolve conflicts in the friendship and to make her feel better each time things went off.
On hindsight, I should (perhaps) still have initiated to resolve the conflict. But when things were not moving forward – which a lot of times it happened because the other party didn’t want to talk about it – I should have taken a step back. Take a step back with the knowledge that 1, I have done my part as a friend and 2, if it didn’t matter enough for the other person to want to resolve the conflict, the friendship probably didn’t mean much to the other person anyway, i.e. why strive to make it work on your own effort when a friendship takes two hands to clap?
So that was what struck me tonight. I’ve been asking myself though, to what extent is that chunk true? True as in to God’s values. And how much of it is due to hidden hurts – and as such not wanting to try as hard anymore?
These thoughts no longer tear my heart as much as they used to anymore. I’m glad. It’s just, I guess, learning to better manage myself as a person moving forward. It’s been a long time since deep thoughts like this hit.
Also. I’m aware that I am very tired tonight because I had a disrupted rest last night. So that could be the reason for the realisation/deep thoughts. In any case, good night.