Just read a Facebook note written by Chrystal, and I’m impacted by it… Considering how I rarely scroll through my news feed, it’s interesting how I actually saw this post, and read on. It’s a little long, but as I was reading through it, I felt something within my heart. Got her permission to share this, so here goes…
Was really very reluctant to post this on social media, cause my family’s on facebook, they may think that I’m too into this thing called Christianity and I may get talks on this issue. Struggled much and but still I decided to obey since I was prompted strongly by the Holy Spirit to post this so that my life can be of a testimony and people can hold me accountable to this too.
I guess today was a very big crying and struggling moment for me as I reconciled certain things with God during the extended time of worship session today. I didn’t go to Him with my problems, I merely wanted to worship Him simply for who He is. But then again, He dug up things that’s happening within me and dealt with them and spoke to me ever so clearly about it.
So here goes…
My uni life- hasn’t been a very successful one, or in the world’s pov, I’m not living up to the general expectations of what a NUS student should have. Yes I do have a fulfilling hall life in year 1, but results wise, I do not reap what I sow.
-CAP 2.0 in year 1 sem 1, became 1.95 in year 1 sem 2 (I’ve put in loads of effort but then it doesn’t reflect and I was super discouraged) In the world’s pov, my results likka cui.
-Year 2 sem 1, not taking any core modules at all cause I planned on transferring and I’m taking a super big risk that I guess nobody who is sane will do that. But I did it, in hope to pull my CAP up for this sem.
-This sem: in 17 days time, I will be taking 4 papers in 2 consecutive days (9am, 1pm; 9am, 5pm). Comments from the people I know: “Siao!” “Last warning ah!” “Crazy girl!” “you chose it yourself”
Upon receiving such comments, truthfully speaking, I was affected. But I still responded to them in a smile, agreeing to them “I know right!” “Ya I think I’m really mad” and I even regret for not overloading this sem. I didn’t express fully how I feel because I know no one will understand how I truly feel. I don’t think anybody has been in this pair of shoes before. Even with my application of transfer, I seem fine and not very fearful, but in fact, deep down within me, there’s fear but its buried deep within such that I do not have to face it. I question God at times: “why do I have to go through all these?” “why didn’t you just place me in FASS from the very start?” “is there something that needs to be done in science?” I always doubt and wonder and so I stayed on in science for a year. I can still remember how disappointed I was when I first received notification that I got into NUS Science. I can still remember the excited faces of my parents in the morning, and the next moment, the disappointed expressions. “You taking stats?!” accompanied with the jaw-drop expressions of my friends.
Also, as known by many, I’ve been anchoring many birthday celebrations with different groups of my friends. Friends always say to me: wa! you so free ah, no need study. Still can celebrate birthdays and make cards. When I write encouragement cards during exam times, they will always wonder if I ever studied. Truth is, yes i do. But I also believe in the value of investing in the lives of the people and birthdays-are always the best time to bless the person.
Today during worship, God dug up all these thoughts. Along with these thoughts, He also dug back my memories of how I survived through my O levels and A level days together with HIm. He reminded me how blessed I was with supportive lifegroups at every life station. Also, He reminded me of the characteristics of Him and I sang it all during free worship:
-God of provider
-God of healer
-God of love
-God of grace
-God of strength
-God of peace
-God of mercy
and the list goes on and on. After which, it came with an assurance: I will carry you through. You’ll be in my arms. People may think you’re cui, but you’re still a precious gem in my eyes.
And God says:
“I will make you the head, and not the tail”
“I will make you shine my light in the darkest times”
“Fear me, and not the things of this world”
“You will praise me when the perfect timing comes”
In the process of my transfer, everything seems so uncertain. As I pray, God refuse to reveal if it’ll be successful or not. He wants me to grow in my faith, to trust Him and He will help me to be able to praise Him in any circumstances. Be it whether my transfer is successful or not.
I really cannot reconcile this fact with Him. I want my transfer so badly.
But I was humbled greatly. I trembled during worship and God weakened my knees to surrender in worship and to pray.
There and then, I knelt down, both hands lifted up and cried in surrender.
I knelt, and was made to claim His promises.
It was the first time I’ve ever knelt, without prompting from the worship leader. And all I have to remember: I’m living for the audience of One and He will honour me as I glorify Him.
“With everything, we will shout for Your glory”
And I will praise the name of the Most High King.
Identification, or empathy, was one thing. Haven’t been doing well in uni either, and well, mugged way harder in year 1 sem 2 but it didn’t show as well. Perhaps not to the full extent, but I guess I could identify with those fears somewhat.
Incidentally, I was just recounting briefly during dinner with the LG just now, about what happened in June this year on the day I saw my results. I can still remember how I was angry, how I just kept asking God “WHY!”. I was really disappointed. I remember too, the scene where Reb sat with me on the floor that night, singing I Offer My Life.
Even with the assurance that I’ll be able to stay in uni, and even with wearing a smile as I go about in school, fears still lingered somewhere in my life. I guess I’ve been avoiding setting expectations so as to not stress myself up and perhaps, so as to not set myself up for disappointment. I remember this part of a conversation with a friend that at the end of it, basically 1, I was having my paper the next day and I had no clue about the weightage (and I didn’t want to find out either) and the number of questions, 2, I thought I saw disbelief on her face. My attitude towards my acad this sem has been something that I question too – I keep asking myself if I am really just trusting God more this sem or have I just given up? Discussion about results – anything results-related – had been just… Let’s change the topic.
God knows it all. Time, and time, and time again He kept reminding me to trust Him as I read through Genesis 15-17, 3 verses by 3 verses each time. To trust Him even when nothing seems to be happening, to trust Him even when things don’t seem to be getting better. It helped me to decide to trust Him, to put things into greater perspective… though sometimes I still waver a little.
And last night as I was walking home, I was just thinking through some stuff when an idea came into my mind… I was imagining God snapping His fingers in my face going “Look at Me, look at Me”. Yes I’m treading on uncomfortable grounds, in my acads and in other aspects, but I think it was a reminder for me to stop looking at the water beneath me and stop fearing over sinking into that sea. Instead, to turn my eyes upon Him once more, and simply fix it on Him. I will be fine if I would keep my eyes on Him, things will be fine.
Today, this note came. While it tells of a story not unfamiliar to me, it also speaks of a heart that seeks to worship God and surrender to Him. My heart needs to come to this point as well, a point of total surrender unto Him.