熟悉的背影

每当我回想起那十二天的梦,脑海里都会浮现出那沿着砖墙一直往前走的背影。它似乎不在乎身后是落下了些什么,也不往后望,很潇洒地就那么走下去。它再也不为谁迟疑,再也不为谁慢下脚步。

走在身后的我就一直望着那背影,看着我们之间的距离拉开。想要跟上那背影走在它身旁,但我身后走着其他我所在乎的人,时不时我便会慢下脚步等着他们赶上它的步伐。一直都没赶上。反倒是,距离越拉越大。

不赶了,我最终决定不赶了。因为无论我怎么盼,怎么赶,都是无法赶上的。就算我用跑的跑到这背影身旁,我也不能赶上岁月的流逝,去再次的理解它。再说,我会为他们而慢下脚步,正眼对着他们,但我心猜想这背影不会再因任何人而放慢。道,也或许会因而不同。就算我当日赶上了,明日呢?

用摄像机捕捉了那一目,那一刻,那一熟悉的背影。若你当日回了头,故事又会怎写?


之前读了一篇文章。。。在心门上上锁,我们都是因为害怕吧。如果一座城不曾被攻,城墙怎会高呢?换句话说,墙之所以建得高是为了要保护自己,因为这座城曾被攻,知道损伤可有多重。

 

熟悉的背影

Just tired

When I was younger, I had a friend who’s older than me. There were times I noticed that she’s a little out of sorts so I would ask how she is out of concern. Whenever that happened, the reply that often came was “I’m alright, just tired.” That didn’t feel like that was it, but ohwell…

Now that I am close to that age now, I find myself echoing that these days. “Nothing, I’m just tired.” Well, it’s true that I feel tired, or rather lethargic, but it’s just that I also wonder if there’s another cause behind this lethargy.

It’s easy to blame it on fatigue when my eyes turn dull. I’ve tried smiling, making exaggerated moves and talking nonsensically, but it’s just so difficult to change the way my eyes look. And I think that’s the crux to the whole thing. After trying all those out in front of a mirror, I would just give up trying since my eyes just wouldn’t do it.

Times like today, or the past few days, I feel really tired. Told a friend I’ve been feeling down/tired but added on “maybe just tired”. Maybe! Times like this I feel so tired that I don’t even want to be bothered with finding out what the cause of it is. I guess I will get out of this soon, maybe with a little more sleep. Haven’t been getting enough sleep over the past week.

But, after drifting around school like this the whole morning, I finally found new energy in the evening. Had a break midway through lecture so I went to talk to some friends whom I’ve missed seeing (really, sitting in the same class for 2.5 hours doesn’t help since we spend most of our time listening to the prof). Pulled a prank on SE and the results actually brought her some unexpected heartwarming texts. That was a…n indirect, unplanned, blessing for her HAHA but hope she was blessed anyway. Returned to my seat 15 minutes later, and it was much easier to stay awake after that.

I am thankful to God for these friends that I can relate with comfortably. Haha I know I’ve been saying this on Twitter, but really, conversing in Mandarin takes a lot of pressure off me but adds a lot more pleasure to our relationship. In different specialisation and soon, different occupation, but I hope I can keep these friendships. Guess I got to keep on building deeper now if this is what I want.

And after class, it was back to feeling tired :( will try and get more sleep tonight.

Just tired

拾到的礼物

A friendship needs not be complicated. Talk whatever whenever, meet for whatever whenever.

不知不觉,一段友情就这样展开了。有些友情有多想有多不想,有多长有多短,有多快乐有多艰辛,我都没放在心上。说穿了,我不在乎,我才管它三七二十一呢!

可偏偏,一段友情就在这样的懵懂下开始。更不可思议的是,它好似不经意地被建立起来了。我晓得记得的只有嘻嘻哈哈无聊地聊着天,或是在某某一天做自己喜欢做的而又那么 “巧” 那朋友也在那儿做想做的。发觉这友情已被建立时,是在自己发现到自己很坦白地让这位朋友知道自己软弱。或是有时候,只想要去关心,去问候。

不常有,也不能说每段友情都能那么简简单单,懵懵懂懂地被建立。但我为此感恩 — 因为,我想,这是一份意想不到的礼物。

拾到的礼物

新的事将要成就

今日,赞美之泉来到我们教会领敬拜。聚会过后,心里有一种轻浮,好似灵里被更新的感觉。敬拜时有许多感想,而这是我好珍惜的一件。

好像是自 20 岁那一年,我开始较注重回到我对神的 first love。每当我想到这一点时,都会回想起那 12 岁的自己,天天靠着家里的沙发,听着赞美之泉的 CD,手里捧着最喜爱的圣经。有一次甚至听诗歌听到眼泪落了下来。

这几年来,有许多次我因做不到这事而感到无奈。我时不时也会为此而祷告。有时候我感到已回到当初的那种深爱着神的感觉,但多次都是那无奈的感觉多一点。

近几个星期,那无奈的感觉再次的浮现。但不同的是好像听见了多一副声音,问道自己要为那回忆感到可惜到几时? 我不知道该怎么办,也只好继续地求上帝帮助我回到那 first love。

或许,每当我这样祷告时,心里不自觉地带有一丝担忧。也许我担心的是,如果我在接下来的日子都一直更加爱神的话,那有一天我走到那尽头,开始觉得并不再精彩了,失去了那种奇妙的感叹,那。。。怎么办?就好似一个人若每天看见彩虹,或许会有那么一天他再也不因看到彩虹而感到兴奋了。

但今天,当我在敬拜上帝时,我有了一个新的盼望。《新的事将要成就》所宣告的是神每一日在我们生命里所要成就的新事。神要带给我们新的恩膏,新的恩典,新的爱。想着这一点时,我知道我不必一直往后看,不必一直只能回味当年的 first love。当年在我生命里所发生的事是美好的,把这回忆好好的牢记。但从今日开始,我相信会有更美好的事将要发生,而这必会超出我之前我所看见所耳闻的,因为神将要在我生命里成就新的事。每一天,我都要领受那新的恩膏,新的恩典,及新的爱。今晚,我也撇开了那担忧,因为我相信我的神是无限的。祂新的恩膏,祂新的恩典,祂新的爱,就算每日倾倒在我生命里,我都不会厌倦,因为祂就是那么的无限。There will always be something new everyday! 这是我的宣告!

歌中所提到的新酒新皮带起初第一次唱着时对我并没有特别的意义。我知道这是圣经中的其中一个比喻,但除此之外对这酒和皮带没什么特别的感触。但我领受了那新盼望,再一次在聚会接近尾声时唱这首歌时,我对它们有了一种新的领悟。当时,我更深地体会到新酒新皮带的意义。I see a kind of personal relevance that they have in my life right now.

我期待着上帝要在我生命里所要成就的新事!

新的事将要成就

Missing Nonsense

Right. So, I was waiting to come home because I was missing my guitar and some people here. And this feels pretty weird, because right now, I hate to admit this – but I think I’m really missing the times in Bohol. Missing Bohol not so much for the place though, but for the times I had with people there. Pardon the following chunk, just wanna talk about it.

Waking up at 0530 without the alarm on most days when the sun rose. Being one of the first in the toilet washing up. Occasionally meeting some friends there and halfway through brushing our teeth, one of us randomly goes “ARGH I’m so tired!” I remember that morning when SE and I both woke up slightly later than usual after chatting with each other 2 nights ago past 12am and then with another friend till 1am on the previous night. Both of us felt really tired, but I had no regrets man.

Especially the two nights in that room with lots of cockroaches. We were supposed to wake up at 4.30am, but we spent the first night settling our accommodation and then trying to hunt down a cockroach in the room. We ended up bathing and sleeping at around 1-ish 2am. We stayed up to talk a little about each other’s lives while waiting for our hair to dry. And then in the day, we went everywhere sticking to one another as though a new group was born – and totally having our own group dynamics. Oh, and talking about accommodations, who would have ever thought that it’s possible for H and I to actually share a room considering how terrible our (previously non-existing) friendship was. Oh and I just (like, at this moment) got jio-ed by her to sing k :D Talk about things being highly unlikely man – this is it!

And then the random singing sessions regardless of where we are. On the bus, in the toilet, while walking, at the dining table – it all didn’t matter as long as there’s a trigger. Our favourite song being Jay Chou’s 说好的幸福呢. Whenever one of us says anything like “好累“, those around will just go “怎么了 你累了 说好的 幸福呢 我懂了 不说了 爱淡了 梦远了我都还记得”, with much gusto in the last line. There are many other songs too! Mandopop and speaking Chinese all day long, wow!

Really missing all these. Including all our nonsensical jokes (e.g. H’s invitation to different people to bathe with her, which of course always got declined lol). Miss the nonsensical pestering of SE everyday too :p

Realised how much I’m missing those days tonight. For two nights – yesterday and today – I’ve been scrolling through TV channels and feeling like nothing could keep me entertained. According to Uses and Gratifications theory in Communication Studies, this is an act of someone trying to gratify certain needs. Needs not met :( Neither could my phone meet these needs. If Bohol felt like a beautiful dream to me, then it’s really 梦远了我都还记得 hahaha

One of the things that’s really making me smile tonight:

Post-Bohol (blog)
Click to enlarge

Missing all these nonsense. And also really thankful for these friendships that God has blessed me with while we were there. It’s something new and it feels really awesome! Words can’t express how amazed and how blessed I feel.

Missing Nonsense

感触良多

今早起身时, 小妹肚子痛, 于是我便到楼上去向表姐要止痛药。我已好久没上到楼上去了, 有几年了吧。一上到楼上时, 我看见有两个门, 心想 “真是的, 我该要进哪一间才好?”。左边那扇门是开的, 我便到那里晃了一会儿, 描了几眼, 见是有熟悉的感觉。我想就该是这扇了, 所以便敲了门。

敲了第一遍, 从门外只看见被单动了一下又不动了。也不知是她又睡回去了呢, 还是她翻身是个 “进来吧” 的意思, 所以就在门外等待。等待的当而, 我往房间里稍仔细地望一望, 心里有种。。。生疏却熟悉的感觉。那床旁边的衣架让我想起了小时候趁她不在时偷偷溜进她之前的房间里所看见的那衣架。有一次在屋外跌倒了, 哭得唏哩哗啦的, 结果被那房间的主人邀进房里, 还由她为我整理伤口。

见没人起身也听无人回应, 便微声地敲了第二遍。敲得好懦弱哦, 且有点犹豫是否要继续地把她叫醒。或许是因为从小和我同一辈的都有一点怕这表姐吧。而且她心情已够难受了, 想到叫醒她的后过就有一点惧怕但也有一点不忍心。我便走回楼梯那儿, 往下一看, 看见小妹痛得无法站立而缩在楼梯上的一旁, 心里有些矛盾。再等一小时等表姐醒来她应该会受不了吧, 所以叫醒表姐是合情合理, 她会理解的吧? 心里是那么想的。

于是敲了第三遍。这次房里的表姐回应道, “进来。”, 我便走了进去。”嗯。。。lin-in zehzeh, 你有没有 pink Panadol, 因为琳轩有 cramps。”, 很客气地问道。她便急忙下床去找, 一边找, 一边关心着, 语气好温柔。她没有我要的药, 但给了我一些其他的止痛药, 还叫我泡一杯 Milo 给小妹喝, 说会帮助她舒缓疼痛。

我拿了药, 叫小妹到楼下去, 等我为她泡杯 Milo。随后, 表姐也下到楼下来, 进了厨房, 拿起杯子和一包 Milo, 把粉倒进杯子, 参了水, 把杯子那给我。Wow. 之后她还带小妹上楼去休息, 等她喝 Milo 吃药。好贴心, 好贴心。

是表姐没错, 但这体贴的一面我好像没好好地结交过。

过了一会儿, 我得要出门了。我到门外去穿鞋, 看见另一个表姐和姐夫坐在门外谈天, 他们就和我谈天。我正穿上鞋子时, 表姐就把我小时候的是叙述给我听, 而姐夫就在一旁点头像是说着 “对咯” 一个样。

她告诉我说我小时候是这大家族中的唯一一个 baby, 所以他们都很喜欢趁妈妈上班时, 把我从家里抱回外婆家。这一个表姐就会几乎天天和我舅母驾车到我家去, 把我接过来。舅母花了好多时间照顾我。

在她说着的当而, 我突然间感到一丝亲切感。在我成长的记忆里, 只有觉得自己是在家中不受疼爱的, 是被厌倦的, 从未听过家里的人会喜欢看见我, 喜欢带我去玩。而随着那亲切感, 对舅舅的逝世也来了一阵感伤 – 或许是因为他是表姐的爸爸, 也是小时候照顾我的舅母的丈夫。

妈妈说舅舅他不喜欢我爸爸, 我想是因为他伤害了妈妈。他也像一个父亲一样, 照顾我的家庭。自小, 我都认为没爸爸就没爸爸咯, 不觉得有什么损失。或许, 心里是有个念头说, 如果家里有什么是需要帮忙的话, 我们还有舅舅。

这几天, 我都在这里察言观色, 想着许多事。看见了舅舅在每个人的心中所佔的位置, 看见外婆伤心却硬忍泪逞强。看见大家如何彼此扶持 — 有的互相拥抱, 互相安慰, 有的说着别的, 笑着别的, 减轻他人心中的低沉。说至此, 我是挺感恩这几天有 Gina 在这里。她带了许多欢笑。她也是个相当不错的朋友。她是表姐的朋友, 但我们都待她像家人一样。这几年来她一直都在, 这几天也一样, 舅舅回家当天她也哭了。这几天这样和她相处, 我真觉得她很特别, 好似神给了她带给周遭的人欢笑的恩赐一样。是个独一无二的怪种人类, 哈哈我一直问她, “What happened to you when you were young ah? So nonsensical!” 搞不清她是什么东东, 但蛮喜欢有她在这里。

原归正传, 我对家庭二字好似有了新的体会。能生长在一个相爱的家庭里是我的福份。再说, 这几天我看见神是如何在我家庭里动工, 也在我心里改变了一些。对一个 love language 是 quality time 的人来说, 看见大家为着舅舅就好像让自己的时间暂停下来, 心中是感到蛮欣慰的。Everyone’s so intentional in being here. 惭愧的说, 我未曾为我家人这么做过。

Though they are a bit annoying sometimes, I love my family :)

感触良多