奇怪

最近,有一点不想与人对话。总觉得,说什么就错什么。要不,舌头就打乱了结。

说话好累哦。不但要想要说些什么,也要顾虑到这话适用于场合吗。就算精心想好一句话,说出来却变成结巴。

怎么了,你? 是太享受独处的日子吗? 还是对这世间的人事物厌倦了? 或是自己太在意别人对你的看法了?

如果我真是不顾一屑,脑海徘徊着的是离开的决定。说真的,装作若无其事不单耗时间也耗体力。

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奇怪

熟悉的背影

每当我回想起那十二天的梦,脑海里都会浮现出那沿着砖墙一直往前走的背影。它似乎不在乎身后是落下了些什么,也不往后望,很潇洒地就那么走下去。它再也不为谁迟疑,再也不为谁慢下脚步。

走在身后的我就一直望着那背影,看着我们之间的距离拉开。想要跟上那背影走在它身旁,但我身后走着其他我所在乎的人,时不时我便会慢下脚步等着他们赶上它的步伐。一直都没赶上。反倒是,距离越拉越大。

不赶了,我最终决定不赶了。因为无论我怎么盼,怎么赶,都是无法赶上的。就算我用跑的跑到这背影身旁,我也不能赶上岁月的流逝,去再次的理解它。再说,我会为他们而慢下脚步,正眼对着他们,但我心猜想这背影不会再因任何人而放慢。道,也或许会因而不同。就算我当日赶上了,明日呢?

用摄像机捕捉了那一目,那一刻,那一熟悉的背影。若你当日回了头,故事又会怎写?


之前读了一篇文章。。。在心门上上锁,我们都是因为害怕吧。如果一座城不曾被攻,城墙怎会高呢?换句话说,墙之所以建得高是为了要保护自己,因为这座城曾被攻,知道损伤可有多重。

 

熟悉的背影

Just tired

When I was younger, I had a friend who’s older than me. There were times I noticed that she’s a little out of sorts so I would ask how she is out of concern. Whenever that happened, the reply that often came was “I’m alright, just tired.” That didn’t feel like that was it, but ohwell…

Now that I am close to that age now, I find myself echoing that these days. “Nothing, I’m just tired.” Well, it’s true that I feel tired, or rather lethargic, but it’s just that I also wonder if there’s another cause behind this lethargy.

It’s easy to blame it on fatigue when my eyes turn dull. I’ve tried smiling, making exaggerated moves and talking nonsensically, but it’s just so difficult to change the way my eyes look. And I think that’s the crux to the whole thing. After trying all those out in front of a mirror, I would just give up trying since my eyes just wouldn’t do it.

Times like today, or the past few days, I feel really tired. Told a friend I’ve been feeling down/tired but added on “maybe just tired”. Maybe! Times like this I feel so tired that I don’t even want to be bothered with finding out what the cause of it is. I guess I will get out of this soon, maybe with a little more sleep. Haven’t been getting enough sleep over the past week.

But, after drifting around school like this the whole morning, I finally found new energy in the evening. Had a break midway through lecture so I went to talk to some friends whom I’ve missed seeing (really, sitting in the same class for 2.5 hours doesn’t help since we spend most of our time listening to the prof). Pulled a prank on SE and the results actually brought her some unexpected heartwarming texts. That was a…n indirect, unplanned, blessing for her HAHA but hope she was blessed anyway. Returned to my seat 15 minutes later, and it was much easier to stay awake after that.

I am thankful to God for these friends that I can relate with comfortably. Haha I know I’ve been saying this on Twitter, but really, conversing in Mandarin takes a lot of pressure off me but adds a lot more pleasure to our relationship. In different specialisation and soon, different occupation, but I hope I can keep these friendships. Guess I got to keep on building deeper now if this is what I want.

And after class, it was back to feeling tired :( will try and get more sleep tonight.

Just tired

拾到的礼物

A friendship needs not be complicated. Talk whatever whenever, meet for whatever whenever.

不知不觉,一段友情就这样展开了。有些友情有多想有多不想,有多长有多短,有多快乐有多艰辛,我都没放在心上。说穿了,我不在乎,我才管它三七二十一呢!

可偏偏,一段友情就在这样的懵懂下开始。更不可思议的是,它好似不经意地被建立起来了。我晓得记得的只有嘻嘻哈哈无聊地聊着天,或是在某某一天做自己喜欢做的而又那么 “巧” 那朋友也在那儿做想做的。发觉这友情已被建立时,是在自己发现到自己很坦白地让这位朋友知道自己软弱。或是有时候,只想要去关心,去问候。

不常有,也不能说每段友情都能那么简简单单,懵懵懂懂地被建立。但我为此感恩 — 因为,我想,这是一份意想不到的礼物。

拾到的礼物

新的事将要成就

今日,赞美之泉来到我们教会领敬拜。聚会过后,心里有一种轻浮,好似灵里被更新的感觉。敬拜时有许多感想,而这是我好珍惜的一件。

好像是自 20 岁那一年,我开始较注重回到我对神的 first love。每当我想到这一点时,都会回想起那 12 岁的自己,天天靠着家里的沙发,听着赞美之泉的 CD,手里捧着最喜爱的圣经。有一次甚至听诗歌听到眼泪落了下来。

这几年来,有许多次我因做不到这事而感到无奈。我时不时也会为此而祷告。有时候我感到已回到当初的那种深爱着神的感觉,但多次都是那无奈的感觉多一点。

近几个星期,那无奈的感觉再次的浮现。但不同的是好像听见了多一副声音,问道自己要为那回忆感到可惜到几时? 我不知道该怎么办,也只好继续地求上帝帮助我回到那 first love。

或许,每当我这样祷告时,心里不自觉地带有一丝担忧。也许我担心的是,如果我在接下来的日子都一直更加爱神的话,那有一天我走到那尽头,开始觉得并不再精彩了,失去了那种奇妙的感叹,那。。。怎么办?就好似一个人若每天看见彩虹,或许会有那么一天他再也不因看到彩虹而感到兴奋了。

但今天,当我在敬拜上帝时,我有了一个新的盼望。《新的事将要成就》所宣告的是神每一日在我们生命里所要成就的新事。神要带给我们新的恩膏,新的恩典,新的爱。想着这一点时,我知道我不必一直往后看,不必一直只能回味当年的 first love。当年在我生命里所发生的事是美好的,把这回忆好好的牢记。但从今日开始,我相信会有更美好的事将要发生,而这必会超出我之前我所看见所耳闻的,因为神将要在我生命里成就新的事。每一天,我都要领受那新的恩膏,新的恩典,及新的爱。今晚,我也撇开了那担忧,因为我相信我的神是无限的。祂新的恩膏,祂新的恩典,祂新的爱,就算每日倾倒在我生命里,我都不会厌倦,因为祂就是那么的无限。There will always be something new everyday! 这是我的宣告!

歌中所提到的新酒新皮带起初第一次唱着时对我并没有特别的意义。我知道这是圣经中的其中一个比喻,但除此之外对这酒和皮带没什么特别的感触。但我领受了那新盼望,再一次在聚会接近尾声时唱这首歌时,我对它们有了一种新的领悟。当时,我更深地体会到新酒新皮带的意义。I see a kind of personal relevance that they have in my life right now.

我期待着上帝要在我生命里所要成就的新事!

新的事将要成就

Missing Nonsense

Right. So, I was waiting to come home because I was missing my guitar and some people here. And this feels pretty weird, because right now, I hate to admit this – but I think I’m really missing the times in Bohol. Missing Bohol not so much for the place though, but for the times I had with people there. Pardon the following chunk, just wanna talk about it.

Waking up at 0530 without the alarm on most days when the sun rose. Being one of the first in the toilet washing up. Occasionally meeting some friends there and halfway through brushing our teeth, one of us randomly goes “ARGH I’m so tired!” I remember that morning when SE and I both woke up slightly later than usual after chatting with each other 2 nights ago past 12am and then with another friend till 1am on the previous night. Both of us felt really tired, but I had no regrets man.

Especially the two nights in that room with lots of cockroaches. We were supposed to wake up at 4.30am, but we spent the first night settling our accommodation and then trying to hunt down a cockroach in the room. We ended up bathing and sleeping at around 1-ish 2am. We stayed up to talk a little about each other’s lives while waiting for our hair to dry. And then in the day, we went everywhere sticking to one another as though a new group was born – and totally having our own group dynamics. Oh, and talking about accommodations, who would have ever thought that it’s possible for H and I to actually share a room considering how terrible our (previously non-existing) friendship was. Oh and I just (like, at this moment) got jio-ed by her to sing k :D Talk about things being highly unlikely man – this is it!

And then the random singing sessions regardless of where we are. On the bus, in the toilet, while walking, at the dining table – it all didn’t matter as long as there’s a trigger. Our favourite song being Jay Chou’s 说好的幸福呢. Whenever one of us says anything like “好累“, those around will just go “怎么了 你累了 说好的 幸福呢 我懂了 不说了 爱淡了 梦远了我都还记得”, with much gusto in the last line. There are many other songs too! Mandopop and speaking Chinese all day long, wow!

Really missing all these. Including all our nonsensical jokes (e.g. H’s invitation to different people to bathe with her, which of course always got declined lol). Miss the nonsensical pestering of SE everyday too :p

Realised how much I’m missing those days tonight. For two nights – yesterday and today – I’ve been scrolling through TV channels and feeling like nothing could keep me entertained. According to Uses and Gratifications theory in Communication Studies, this is an act of someone trying to gratify certain needs. Needs not met :( Neither could my phone meet these needs. If Bohol felt like a beautiful dream to me, then it’s really 梦远了我都还记得 hahaha

One of the things that’s really making me smile tonight:

Post-Bohol (blog)
Click to enlarge

Missing all these nonsense. And also really thankful for these friendships that God has blessed me with while we were there. It’s something new and it feels really awesome! Words can’t express how amazed and how blessed I feel.

Missing Nonsense