It’s like…

There’s a cockroach in the living room where you are. And then you skip here and there and make the quickest dash possible into your room. Just as you’re about to close the door and shut the cockroach out, someone shouts from the outside, “The cockroach doesn’t seem to be here anymore. It’s safe to come out!”

Would you open the door and venture out? What if the past few times when this happened, you later on discovered that the cockroach’s still there and you shouldn’t have come out. What about this time?

Advertisements
It’s like…

“Just for your ears”

It was past 6pm; time to leave work. It suddenly struck me that I’ve gotten so comfortable with my colleagues that the workplace doesn’t really feel like one anymore. It didn’t feel heavy or unpleasant in any ways.

Suddenly, Bernice turned around and asked if I wanted dinner. She meant let’s have dinner so that we could come back and carry on with our work. I hardly sensed any resistance within. I agreed.

Eventually, this became a let’s just have dinner and not come back anymore. We spent the rest of the evening having dinner and chatting. She shared with me about her past experiences.

At one point, I noticed her eyes welled up with tears, which she was trying to contain. Her face turned red; that made me confirm she felt vulnerable then. At the end of it, she apologised for feeling a little emotional about it when, she thought she had gotten past it.

It was an episode about the betrayal of a friend. I stopped myself from jumping in and saying “I know how you feel, because I experienced something similar too.”

I know that it’s painful. I know that as much as we think we have gotten over it, as far as we’ve come to where we are now, it still hurts to lose someone close to our heart. It still hurts. And it’s okay to cry over it – I needed to feel like that’s okay, when I talked about it, too. I wonder if we will ever get over it. It’s been 8 years for her.

That exchange was, great. It seems like she’s the one – amongst everyone else – who’s been telling me things from the depth of her heart so far. I really appreciate such exchanges and I hope, we will not have that trust broken. One day when our conversation gets there, I’ll share my story too.

“Just for your ears”

Desire

It’s been a long time since I last felt strong desires within me. This also somewhat coincides with David’s FB post about teaching his students this: If you have an aspiration, go and make it happen.

This thought has been lingering in my mind. Ever since I don’t know when – because I think this hasn’t always been the case – I started to be really chill about stuff. It’s good because I don’t get overly worried. Yet this also means that I no longer pursue what I want with my best. Leave it in God’s hands, I say.

I think I mean it. But at the same time, the lesson David was trying to teach his students also made me think: Could there be a room where I push beyond limits? How about the acronym P.U.S.H. – pray until something happens? Am I missing out on some things that God would have allowed me to learn because I don’t persist?

Received the news today that the EXCO has more or less made the decision to shift us to another division. For various reasons, I’m honestly reluctant – and change is not the main reason this time. Also, still hoping that my friend will get a chance at the interview. These are two desires that are deep within my heart.

It’s… not an absolutely great feeling to have unmet desires. Or to even hold on to unmet desires. I’m still trying to figure out – to what extent do I let go, and to what extent shall I push for them. In the midst of all these praying and struggling, may I gain a deeper revelation about praying. It is also my prayer that while I push, my heart will still remain soft towards what God wants me to see.

Desire

Progress

Progresses in relationships are fulfilling. After about a year, finally made some progress with the mentee. Went out last night, talked about stuff in our lives. I was surprised that she opened up both her past and her present.

It’s also been a long time since I took an aimless walk around a mall with a friend. You know those kind where you aren’t actually shopping but just want to talk while walking? That kind. AMK Hub happened to mean a lot to us both too, though for different reasons.

Marking the night of fellowship with this post :) Also found someone to spend my birthday leave with, in Ubin wheeee!

Progress

Physiotherapy

Second visit to the Physiotherapist, but a different one today. Changed for a few reasons. I quite enjoyed today’s visit though; I think the physio fed my intellectual needs by explaining to me what’s going on in my leg. He explained what he observed and the rationale behind each exercise. Which, makes me feel assured, because it seems like he knows his stuff. The exercises he gave were of a slower pace than the first one I had, because he realised my leg wasn’t ready for those “higher-level” stuff.

Also, side-note, he’s quite good-looking hahaha had to control myself so I wouldn’t keep looking at him. Well, to quote a friend, all of us enjoy looking at all things attractive – yes regardless of whether they are human or things.

Anyway. End of the month coming in 2 days. I’m still believing for a miracle.

Physiotherapy

Haste Makes Waste

I remember there was this year during a church conference, God gave me a vision as I was worshipping Him. It was a vision of me busy figuring how out to capture the scenery before me. I was so busy with my camera that I neglected to enjoy what was before me. I was then told to take a pause and enjoy it for what it is; don’t miss the moment.

I guess this vision kinda became quite literal and apparent to me during one of my trips last year. I was in Taiwan with a friend and we had a pair of mushrooms that glow in the dark. The minsu owner very kindly lent me his tripod because he saw that I had a DSLR in my hands and figured that I’m into photography. My friend and I brought the mushrooms back to our room. While she watched videos on her phone, there I was trying to figure out the settings on the camera to get the best shot. Switched on the lights, switched off the lights, got the torch, hit that button, rearrange my set-up, google for photography tips – put these on repeat. When I was finally satisfied, I asked her what time it was and was surprised to find out that 2 hours had gone past. Sorry heh.

That, though, made me realise there is some truth to that vision.

Fast forward to the recent episode of the ankle injury. Other than forcing me to take a break, it certainly taught me to slow down. 

Initially, I treated it as a joke when I thought to myself that I learnt that not all things can be rushed, such as buses and trains. So many times I’ve watched them pass me by right before my eyes. Yet there’s nothing I could do unless I don’t mind falling flat on my face. And even if I wanted to run for them, I could only afford to limp further with each step.

And these few days, when I put my phone down to spend time with God, I would be close to close off in prayer and pick up my phone again in less than 15 minutes. Quite a few times I thought I heard God saying to me, can’t you just wait? Okay, I can… (less than a minute later) So what am I supposed to think about or do right now? You know my mind will drift right?

And then back to my activities. If I couldn’t slow down last time, I think it has gotten worse.

I got off crutches lately, over the time I spent with my grandparents in Ipoh. Slightly before that, I started practising walking without aid and without limping. The extended (because I need not travel on my own and hence not need a crutch) practice in Ipoh helped me to be more confident and comfortable in walking. 

After the Ipoh trip, I began to pick up pace. December – I have just a month and a half left to have my ankle ready for long hikes and swims in the sea in Thailand. I got to recover as quickly as I can. It hurts less in the day and as much as I can, I try to walk without limping and quickly. My ankle often ended up hurting at night after walking too much by the end of the day.

Just this afternoon, I stood up and felt a sharp pain on my knee when I placed my weight on that injured foot. I thought it would go away after some time – you know like how sometimes our body has random but temporary pains? But it didn’t after an hour, and it got me worried. I googled and found out that apparently, a bad ankle injury can lead to injuries on the knee as it tries to compensate for what the ankle cannot do. This is not funny anymore man. And this has to happen just 4 days after my appointment with the specialist that I’ve waited 2 months for.

But yes, once again, it’s another reminder to slow down. Feel the pain, take time to nurse that injury.

Also coincided with the (recent) constant reminder to take time to feel the heartache, to acknowledge it, and take time to nurse it.

It seems like learning to slow down has been a long journey for me. Time and again, I’m reminded to slow down and take time. Physically, emotionally, spiritually. I just keep feeling the need to be doing something, to be occupied. Slow down, yes I will try. Tried walking real slow from church to the train station just now.

O God, I pray that the pains in the ankle and in the knee will not stay with me. I love and I cherish my active lifestyle and I want to get back to it. Heal me, I pray! In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Haste Makes Waste