Feeling so tired as if I can sleep the whole day. Had to force myself to get out of bed twice today. Why are you so tired?
Sometimes I can’t help but to feel that I’m a block of wood. I don’t even know if feel would be the right word. I find it difficult to feel what people are feeling. I can’t always “feel the groove” or “just draw what you feel like”. Not easily excitable. Thought I would figure out how to smile when I grow older but it still feels awkward these days. Each time I take a photo, I’m just wondering if I’m doing the smile right.
What am I? I feel uneasy and out of place on planet earth.
So it was time for us to walk in. Took my high chair, picked up my guitar. Preview came on and we bent over so that we would not block the audience’s view.
Just 10 minutes before, someone pointed out that I was still not getting it right. I didn’t have time to get it right.
We kept our heads down. While waiting for Preview to end, I felt something rising from within. That’s anxiety, I think.
Get out of it, come on, get out of it. Breathe, what’s next, what shall I do to get out of this…
Suddenly, I got shaken out of it. Wilson whispered and tried to calm me down. It’s just that one song. Well, I don’t know what he noticed since I wasn’t even sure what had seized me, but I guess something showed.
That’s the first time I’ve ever experienced that. It felt like something inside was close to breaking down unless I quickly snapped out of it. I didn’t find the way to, but thankfully I got shaken out of it.
They came on stage, decided to swap the songs around. That song was going to come first instead. Took a glance at Wilson, took a deep breath, let’s do it.
They said it was a good job. I don’t know if it really was, but thankful for how God brought me through the session. That was the smoothest I had played through since Friday.
What an experience.
No matter what I have, Your grace is enough
Whenever it comes to playing the guitar, I know clearly that I don’t have much. Your grace is enough.
- Been staying in the office way past office hours (till 7ish kinda thing), which is against the principle I set out for myself when I first started working. But did this because it’s easier to crutch home when the trains are not so crowded. As a result, I had the opportunity to spend extended time with O as we both stayed back in the office after work hours the past few days. Thankful for the time together, though I still can’t quite put a finger to what makes her special in this organisation. But just, feeling glad :)
- Had an engaging conversation with an Uber driver this morning. So engaging that I got off the car happily and forgot to pay. I got in touch with Uber to rectify that mistake, so yes.
- When I left office today, the rain was just getting heavier. As I tried my best to hobble down the steps (with a guitar on my back, and thinking to myself I’d better not fall) so that I could get to the shelter as quickly as possible (I minded my guitar getting wet more than me getting wet actually), I suddenly sensed a presence behind me and the rain drops were gone. Well, it wasn’t a divine cloud that sheltered me and me alone, but still quite divine. A gentleman came up from behind and held an umbrella over my head. As I turned around, he told me to take my time lest I fall again. Thank God for the kindness showered upon me these days.
- For all the outstretched hands, the seats offered, the eyes that watched to make sure I will be supported should I need help, thank You for people who cared.
- Was at an impromptu worship practice for Sunday just now. Impromptu in the sense that I took over another brother just last evening. Yep, had issues with my sense of rhythm, again. But thankful for Wilson who was there as the cajon player. He broke down what others termed as “by feel” into numbers that I could visualise. He counted very patiently alongside me as I tried to catch the rhythm. Immensely thankful that he was there. I think whenever I play in a band, my favourite musician is the drummer. Simply because I rely so much on them; their presence really really boosts my confidence in playing so much more. It helped that Wilson’s a drum teacher too haha nurturing much.
- Got a GrabHitch just now, praise God! Second GrabHitch ride I’ve actually managed to get.
- More than getting a GrabHitch, it was the driver that made the trip and the night so much better. We had a chat and found out that 1, he’s been hitching people from our church 2, he’s a Christian too 3, he attends the church right in front of my house 4, he’s somewhat my neighbour actually. At the end of the trip, he carried my guitar up to my doorsteps for me. And for what was originally a $12 trip, he only accepted the $10 note from me. All these people whom God has provided along the way these days really make me feel like this world is a better place than I had thought. Heart melts really.
- Dennis’ encouragement that made this night a little better. I was feeling quite :( actually. I felt that everyone was just waiting for me to get it during practice just now. Then came Dennis’ text to say that he has heard the songs and know that it’s difficult to catch those songs given the limited time I had. Thankful.
I’m annoyed. By all those accusations. With all the overbearing questions when they need not be so. Basically almost every question can be (correction: supposed to be) said as a statement, but ended up worded to sound like “You got a problem is it?”
I know I know it’s just her tone of voice, just the way she phrases her sentences.
Also, if you’re told to work together, you are not a taskmaster. Just saying.
Speak nicer la, condescending leh you.
Thanks Gloria, thanks for feeling it as well.