In Control

Realised yesterday that my recent downness could be an effect of a disrupted rest over the past 2 weeks. Yeah, I’m someone who knocks out and sleeps through the night, but lately I’ve been waking up in the middle of the night to… nothing. Initially I thought it was the heat, then exercising too late at night, and eventually I realised it just kept happening each night.

Was at home yesterday and felt utterly down since the morning. Because I had an argument with my mom over the state of the house hur. Cell group mate asked how did I spend my day yesterday, and I replied, “Quarrelling with my mom.” Quarelled till I shut myself in my room, got angry at what she said, thought about leaving the house, thought about the imperfections of the church, etc.

That came in too early. When I realised years ago that I sink into negativity late at night, I would go to sleep if I had nothing occupying my time (e.g. assignments). But when I sank that low yesterday, it was too early, too much time for the day to go by, too many opportunities for me to sink even lower.

Came home from lunch and did my Quiet Time and, there was this sleepiness that came upon me. “Go and sleep, take a rest.” And so I did.

I woke up. Yes, what’s up now? The first thought that came was this – God is sovereign still, everything is in control, I’m not alone in these. That was reassuring, and changed my outlook the moment I left the bed.

That was also when I realised that I’ve been feeling overwhelmed by whatever that’s going on in life. The conflict, the Christians, the family, the company. It’s almost as though I forgot that God is holding all these in His hands.

I lift my hands to heaven
Here my heart surrendered
I tell my soul again
You are Lord of all
Though the seas are raging
You will speak and tame them
In You I find my rest
You are in control

In Control

PK

I feel stalked haha suddenly got a few notifications on her comments on a few of my posts/photos at one go O.O No idea what sparked the sudden interest, but okay.

PK

Hope in the Lord

Painfully aware of how hopeless everything in life is. Don’t wanna elaborate on this but yeah. Used to be somewhat afraid of death but recently I gained a new found understanding in what Paul said, “To die is gain.”

Well, not suicidal so don’t worry. I thought to myself these few days that without Christ, I might be.

But anyway, the hopelessness in life has pointed me to the unfailing hope that I have in Christ. Unfailing hope. This I am certain. For this, I am living.

Hope in the Lord

Run

It felt like I just spent the whole night running away from this monster that threatened to eat us up if it catches up with us. Tired.

Why do I keep having such dreams these days though? Like the zombie apocalypse one too.

Run

“Not good enough”

Don’t belittle where you are. It’s important because it matters to Him.

As much as I’ve been trying to rationalise it that way, I can’t deny that there’s this small little voice that tells me it’s because I’m not good enough. Whenever someone asked, I felt as though I had. to come up with an excuse for their decision, and for myself. Shook it off once, shook it off twice, I can’t remember how many times I did that. But today, perhaps I need to be honest with myself – you’re not convinced.

Talked to a close friend about taking a break because I seem to have forgotten why I’m doing what I’m doing. And I think I should. To take time to rethink rather than just keep on doing. Since, anyway, I can’t commit – be it in time and effort, or in my heart.

It’s true though, I’m not good enough. It’s not about making myself good enough – though yes there should be a spirit of excellence still. It’s about, first, be fine with not being good enough. Why do I have to be good enough in this aspect anyway? Or perhaps, why do I have to be good enough for anyone, anyway? 

He qualified.

“Not good enough”