So near yet so far

Contrary to what others think of when I tell them where I work at, it’s actually quite a centralised location. I was surprised when I found out that I have buses to NUS, to church. And today I found out I’m within a 30 minutes bus ride from parks like MacRitchie, Bishan-Ang Mo Kio Park. 

Also closer than ever to a particular place. Was googling for my runs (yes I’m quite motivated these days) around places near the office and I realised that I’m supposed to drop off right at that place. I don’t know whether to laugh or cry at these coincidences that have been happening. But for now, it’s a 心寒 kind of feeling, a kind of “Sigh, ohwell.”

Why God, why? What are You doing?

So near yet so far

Another dream

Had one of those dreams last night again. I dreamt that a vampire spared my life for some reason, but I was just buying time by her side. There were uncertainties as to when or whether she would bite me. All I knew was that I couldn’t run. Because if I did, and she catches up, I would be gone like the others who tried running away.

She came to my sister. I had to protect her. So the whole time I was hoping that she wouldn’t run away. I got her to follow me as I followed the vampire to a vampire party. The vampire wanted us to come along. I kept trying to find opportunities to talk to my sister and to tell her what to do while we were in that party.

And then I woke up. Come to think of it, it’s just strange how I’ve been having such unreal dreams. Usually my dreams are about people. Nowadays, there’s zombies in apocalypse, there’s human-eating monster and then a vampire. Hmm, what is going on.

Another dream

Vexed

Something within me is just very unsettled the whole day. What you want -.-

Maybe. I want to throw away many many things at home. I want clean floors. I want unobstructed paths.

I want a 1 month break to sort things out in this house and the house within.

I want to remember what it feels like to run with passion. I want to remember how it’s like to feel for people and ditch all these negative emotions.

Vexed

Prepare our hearts

Had a conversation with the boss about religion the other day. She’s not a believer but got one or two things right. One of it was this: Christians attend service week in and week out without preparing to receive. They turn up in church waiting to see if something strikes a chord. If they are moved that day, good for them. If they aren’t, they just step out of the church like nothing happened.

Hence the questions: Why do we go at length to prepare our hearts for conference yet do nothing to prepare ourselves for service? Why do we prepare ourselves for mission’s trip but not for service? And then we wonder why we experience God so much more powerfully on a mission’s trip as compared to leading our daily lives here. Instead of God being “biased”, I think it has a lot to do with our hearts’ posture, isn’t that the case?

For the third consecutive week, the struggle continues. Why am I waking up on a Sunday morning? What am I waking up for? I don’t know how long more I can keep on going with this struggle. No idea when will be the day I decide I’m out of steam, out of strength, to go on with this.

Prepare my heart next Saturday night, and let’s see.

Prepare our hearts

Between 7th and 8th Storeys

C: Where ya now?

Me:
I’m hiding from the crowd between level 7 and 8

Felt horrible when I sat in the midst of the people partying in the hall. After I finished my dinner, I had the thought of going off, but then that would mean leaving C to be alone when she arrived. 

As I headed towards the lift and was close to ditching her just like that, I walked past the stairwell and saw someone sitting there. Brilliant! That shall be my hiding place too. So I picked the next corner in the stairwell, which was unfortunately exposed to some people. But well, better than being in the midst of the crowd. So I sat there and scrolled through social media, waiting for someone familiar to arrive. Guess that’s my pit stop.

Symptoms of introvertion magnified tonight. Felt overwhelmed by the sights and sounds all around me. Was easily frustrated, didn’t want to look up at anyone, and was hoping no one unfamiliar came over to talk. Like Lwee, I was caught in a dilemma between coming here and heading home to exercise. I came and I wondered why.

Between 7th and 8th Storeys

Card-writing

7 years of feeling this way.

I would greatly appreciate if instead of saying “Hi everyone, please send me your messages for xxx “, the person goes “Hi everyone, if you have a message for xxx, please send them to me.”

I really don’t enjoy being asked to write for people. I will write if I want to.

At the beginning, I thought it’s just me being different from their culture and I thought I would get used to it with time. 7 years have gone and nope, not okay with writing for the sake of writing still.

This time round, I will write it because I want to write it – even though I rant about it.

Card-writing